Isn't it Ironic...Don'tcha Think?

What a rollercoaster ride! As I walked out of the doctors office today and strolled up the hall, blaring over the speakers above me was Alanis Morissette's song "Isn't it Ironic", and it was like I was in a music video of my life right now!!! Everything about this pregnancy has been rare, shocking, scary, and indeed IRONIC! Today we found out that our "boys" are most likely actually girls! Since I have had so many ultrasounds, I got to find out early. At two separate offices at 14 and 16 weeks, two different techs said boy each time. I didn't go shopping to buy blue, or take it as a definite after the first one because I knew it was early. Then, after the second one I allowed myself a fun little trip to Carter's to buy adorable matching boy outfits. We named them Cole and Micah, and that is who they became. It seems there is no Cole and Micah, and that is sad. Not that having girls is devastating by any means - the most important thing is that they are healthy and that God gave them to us and we love them so so much already. They are true and total blessings regardless of their sex. It is just getting in a new mindset and saying farewell to what we had been dreaming about the future for them, assuming they were boys!

That being said, not only am I so in love with them, I am so excited about the thought of pink pink pink :) I am excited for all that girlyness because I am in fact a girly girl! I love crafts, make up, clothing, cooking, baking, girly shows and movies, and such and now I have 2 more daughters to share these things with. My best friend from way back in the day coincidentally is 18 weeks pregnant just like me (and you know we weren't planning this because we weren't trying), and she just found out she is having a girl so I am excited to raise our girls together. When I had been shopping for a little girl outfit for her last week, I was feeling a little sad that I would never have a girl to dress up in teeny tiny frilly things again. Just this morning I was looking at my Abigail's tiny painted toenails and thinking how I love having girls! Yesterday I made zucchini bread with Emma and Abigail and smiled to myself knowing I have baking buddies for life...now I will have 2 more! Me gaining baking buddies and more girls to dress up means James being even more outnumbered. It means the perfect balance of boys to girls is gone, but this is the perfect family God has chosen for us - 5 girls, one dad :) This is what makes me sad for him, but I know that he is an amazing daddy to little girls! I just wished for him to be able to have sons for life and thinking he got that and then having it taken away is a bit of an adjustment.

In less than 6 weeks I will be wheeling my overstuffed suitcase into the hospital and checking in for my 8 weeks of bedrest and monitoring. There is both relief in this and utter sadness for me in this. Relief, because I will know that my unborn babies are under strict surveillance. Their heartrates and the bloodflow through their tangled cords will be monitored so that if there is any problem they will have the best possible chance of getting out as soon as possible. For now, being out of the hospital, it is in the back of my mind that at any minute with the wrong movement in there, the cords which are tangled could compress and the babies could die. Whenever I don't feel movement I tell myself they are fine because I have chosen faith and positivity, but know it is a real possibility that they are not ok. In that aspect, being in the hospital will be comforting. That is about where the comfort will end however. I could care less about my own comfort. I do not worry at all about being bored or lonely. What I worry about is that the babies inside of me make it to their 32 week delivery safe, sound, and healthy, and for my two daughters who I have to leave behind for 2 months. I feel like especially in my one year old I will miss so much "new stuff" she says and does. She is such a mommy's baby, and she is too little to explain this all to and it will be so hard on her having to be away from me so much. Emma is going to miss me, but she is excited about sleeping at mommom's house and other places. She knows babies are coming and that is why I am going in the hospital. I can communicate with her and make her feel secure that I am coming back.

It's funny what it takes sometimes to make you truly, humbly appreciate things. This situation and knowing I will be away from my family for 2 months, makes me that much more appreciate RIGHT NOW and not sweat the small stuff. Appreciate every morning when my girls run into my bedroom to wake me up with giant smiles and a loud, "MOMMYYYY!" (although this is not as appreciated at 5:30 am as it is at 8am). Appreciate every kiss I get, every snuggle and hand hold. Appreciate each new word Abby says that I get to witness, and each creative drawing Emma makes just for me. Appreciate each family dinner, sitting next to my husband on our couch watching TV at night, and snuggling in bed on his mornings off. Appreciate evening walks, tucking in sweeties in jammies, and cooking in my kitchen. The other night after Abby was in bed and James fell asleep in the living room, Emma and I walked hand in hand around the block in our jammies in the dark and talked. Today at the playground she was her social friendly little self and walked up to two older girls and said, "Hi I'm Emma can I play with you? Would you like to play with one of the ponies I brought or share my basketball?" The other day she learned to ride her bike. I will miss these moments that are so easily taken for granted. Saying prayers with Abby last night, I thanked Jesus for her and Emma, for daddy, for a cozy bed, etc...and she, with her little eyes squeezed closed, piped in: "bugs! moon! blankie!" (those are what she is thankful for in that moment). It's only two months I will be away from them, but these are moments I am cherishing now because I know that for two months I won't have them every day. When I bring the babies home, in the busyness and newness of it all I might miss some things just because I will be splitting my time between 4 instead of 2. THE PRESENT IS A PRESENT. I've heard it before and liked it a lot, but it rings so so true right now!

I presently have an amazing and hardworking husband, incredible daughters, and two more miracle baby girls on the way - and right now those baby girls are healthy and growing well. At any moment I could lose any of them, and this situation reminds me of that in a good way! I am so grateful for the present. The present is pretty awesome and the past was even more great than I realized. I am hopeful, nervous, excited, and scared about the near future all at the same time, but I have put my faith in God from the beginning of this. With every twist, turn, and "ironic" unfolding of events in our life I am just grateful for the present - and I know more than anyone lately that all you can really rely on is the present, because your future can change dramatically in an instant!

Big News and Big Changes

Well we found out at our Ultrasound on Wednesday that our babies are...BOYS!!! We could not be more thrilled! Most Momo twins are girls, so I just kind of expected girls, and the main thing we always wanted is just healthy live babies at the end of this. That being said, what is more perfect than having two daughters and then being blessed with two sons?!! A perfectly even family! Mommy will have girl buddies later in life and Daddy will have "his boys"! Ever since I found out I was having twins and extremely high risk twins, I have felt like I am pregnant for the first time. Now, even more so! It is a whole new experience. My pregnancy is different and will become drastically different when I am on long bedrest in the hospital, I will have a C-Section this time, I will have NICU babies, and I will bring home TWO BOYS! I am so excited to plan out their nursery, buy little guy outfits and shoes, and to have sons. James and I both said after that appointment that suddenly we feel so rich, like we have everything money cannot buy and man cannot choose!  How cool.

Honestly, I really did not have any girl names I liked, so that stress is off of me thank goodness! James' middle name is Nathan so we want to use James and Nathan in the boys' names. Cole James will be one boy, and the other is still up in the air, but how fun to get to use two names?! I am so happy for my husband. He gets up for work at 5am and doesn't get home from work until 6pm every day, comes home and does yardwork, helps me with the girls, and rarely gets to do anything fun for himself. He never complains, and he will always do anything I ask him to. He even watches the Bachelorette with me. (I would say he even watches Teen Mom with me, but he loves it as much as I do...some chick shows are not a sacrifice). While he is an amazing father to girls, he is a "guys guy" and is so into sports and boy things. I am thrilled for him that he got his boys, because he deserves it so much, plain and simple. He said it was the best day of his life. I will forgive him that our wedding day wasn't, even though because of that he has twin boys! Hehehe :)

One of the "privileges" if you want to call it that, of having high risk twins, is frequent ultrasounds, so we get to see our babies often. Most people don't find out what they are having until after 20 weeks so I am really happy to know already since we literally have to buy everything, make a nursery, and I only have 10 weeks left until I am in the hospital. When we first got into the ultrasound, the tech told us she wouldn't tell us what they are because it is so early, she said she never tells that early in case if she is wrong. We were so bummed because the Doctor had told us we should be able to find out. After chatting with her, she told us that maybe when the Doctor came in he would look and tell us. He pulled up a baby, and pointed at the screen and said, "guess what?" I thought, "here it is, girls! James will be so outnumbered!" But he said, "Boys! See that on the screen? It's boys, I don't even have to look at the other one because I know." I asked him, "How sure are you?!!" He said, "Oh I'm pretty sure!" And then I said, "Are you sure you aren't just seeing the other baby's foot?!" He assured me with a laugh that it was not a foot, it was boy parts. He said that usually when a mistake is made, it is that they think it is a girl but "she" actually has "her" legs crossed in a way that hides "the goods". He said when they see a boy part, that part is there so it's obvious. I HOPE HE IS RIGHT AT THIS POINT! I guess in 2 weeks we will get our for sure.

Along with the good news, came some bad however. Our ultrasound was an hour and both the doctor and the tech looked in 2 and 3D (which was really cool to see!) for a membrane, one last hope of finding one, but it is now 100% that there is no chance of one. To further confirm that and to our dismay, you can already see that the babies' cords are all twisted. We are only at 14 weeks, and viability is 24 weeks so we are just hoping and praying that over the next 10 weeks as they move around and the cords continue to twist and tangle, that they remain okay. The doctor said that there have been many cases of Momo twins where the cords were so knotted but the babies were born healthy, and worrying will do no good. I agree, and have tried to just think positively and know that either way, God's will is what is best and that is what I want. My faith has always given me strength and hope, and I am so glad I can rest in that.

The babies are measuring exactly at 14 weeks which is what they are, so that is good, and they are both the same size, which is also good. I will go back every 2 weeks for ultrasounds to check their growth and be on the lookout for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After losing 8 pounds in the first trimester from all the sickness and vomiting, I finally have gained back 4 pounds, even though the evenings are still miserable for me. I am so glad to see the scale creeping up though, and this will be the only time in my life you will hear me say that! So there is the good news, the big news, and the bad news.

Onto other news, sad but happy news, and the big changes; the first of our lives not being the same anymore. James and I have been together for 12 years! A year or so into our relationship, he got a puppy we named Daisy. A yellow lab who has been our family member all this time. She is such a good dog, a true companion, and a protector. We even made up a voice for her that we would talk in from time to time, and if you would witness it you would think we are certifiably insane.

Upon finding out I would spend 2 months in the hospital on bedrest, and James would be at work or with me and the girls at that time, followed by a crazy next few months of trips to the NICU and bringing home preemies, we decided that Daisy should be "pet foster cared". We knew she wouldn't get any attention and just feeding her and letting her out would get complicated. It will be a complicated time on so many levels. A day or so after we decided this, I was telling my mother in law. She said to tell a mutual friend, because they were looking for a dog like a yellow lab. Ok God, I hear you! So after talking with the friend, she told me that yes they are looking for a dog, but that they would love her too much to give her back then and would we consider them adopting her?

After much thought and discussion, we decided that this is a case of "if you love someone then sometimes it is best to let them go." The only good reasons we could think of for keeping her were selfish ones. Because we wanted her around, because we would miss her so much, those kinds of things. I knew this family was one with great compassion and they are "dog people" who would give Daisy all the attention we just will not be able to through the bedrest and preemie time, as well as just having 4 kids under 5 and two of them twin babies. Daisy deserves the best because she is the best. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is people getting pets just because they want them or because they are cute, and then neglecting the pets needs. Dogs in cages, tied to chains, never petted, never walked, yelled at for being in the way or for being naughty when all they want is attention. All because people are selfish. Keeping Daisy, when she was offered a loving home with lots of attention and affection, would have been selfish. We had her for a lonnng time, this is not a case of us getting a pet then deciding we didn't want it, which happens all too often. Nor was it a case of, a baby is coming so the dog's gotta go...if you had told me two weeks ago that tonight I would be dogless I would have said no way.

Tonight they came to pick her up. She was so happy, jumped right in their car, and had her doggy smile on. We made the agreement if she ever seems depressed, she will come back, but I think she is in great hands and will have a very happy life. It was hard however, all week knowing she was not going to be mine anymore. She is always by my side, always laid by the bed when I napped, was my walking buddy, and protector. But it wasn't about me. Our house has a security system, but there is just something about having a dog. It is weird not having her bowls there, or her bed there, or worrying about tripping over her, or her barking when someone is at the door and waking the baby. Shoot, now when I spill food on the floor I will have to clean it up instead of calling Daisy :( Who will eat my pizza crust now? Things are a changin'...but I think it's all good, and obviously meant to be.

One in Ten Thousand...The Beginning of Our MoMo Twins Journey

Because we are blessed with SO many wonderful people - family, friends, and strangers - praying for us and encouraging us, and since I've always kinda wanted to blog anyway...I thought now is my time! First of all, I want to remember this journey, share the journey and it's highs and lows, and be able to tell the story to the babies one day. Also, if people are praying, I would love for them to know what to pray for because I know prayer is what will get us through, nomatter what the outcome. This first blog is going to be kind of loonngg and boring so I can explain what so many people have been asking...just what are MoMo twins?

Before I get all technical on you, I will share our pregnancy story from the beginning :) If you don't care and just want to hear about what momo's are and get back to your facebook stalking, then skip over the blue and start back up where it turns pink again.

We were not only NOT trying to get pregnant, we were actively trying not to!!! One day I was feeling kind of nauseous and tired and just not right. My friend had just had a baby that day, a baby that they were told they would never have, a "miracle" baby so to speak. I thought it might be a sign so I took one of the pregnancy tests I keep stocked in my bathroom cabinet. (I may or may not be known to purchase lots of dollar store pregnancy tests at a time and taking them monthly even when I know I am not pregnant...and usually I am not, but hey, it's a dollar right?!) It was WAY to early for the test to even turn positive. We are talking 50% of women get a positive result 5 days early. This was like 10 days early, but I saw a faint line appear. No. No way. Is it really there? No it's my eyes. No it's there. Take another one. Ok, that one isn't positive. Wait. Yes, yes it is. Call friend. Say it out loud. Send friend picture of test. Friend says its positive. It's positive, all three are positive. Faint, but positive. I tell friend I bet it's twins, I know it's twins, how else would I have gotten a positive result this early? True, I said that, and repeatedly texted it to her too! So I am shaking and processing this, tell Emma because I have to tell someone, and she is so excited! I waited until James came home to tell him and he was really excited too, had a man tear in his eye but don't tell him I told you. That night I googled dollar store pregnancy tests and saw there were some that gave false positives. Aha! That must be it, because James and I both had health class, and my mom gave me "the talk". I know where babies come from. But we both had NO idea when or how this occurred! We were TRYING NOT TO! I guess nothing stands in the way of God's will! Without getting too personal, don't think that "protection" and verrry careful calendar counting are 100% effective - you might end up pregnant with twins :)

So, while I wasn't quite ready for #3, I knew it was meant to be, and was thankful that we are fertile myrtles, because I have a lot of friends struggling and spending oodles of cash to try and get pregnant. I can't imagine, and I know how lucky I am to seemingly get pregnant by holding my husbands hand. My sweet 4 year old Emma asking to kiss my belly and grinning from ear to ear is enough to get you pretty pumped.

I was sick with both Emma and Abigail when I was pregnant. I wasn't sick with my first baby that I miscarried. So when the nausea hit hard, I at least knew this was a healthy baby (but it has been no fun trying to take care of a house and my daughters while I feel so yuck). I never vomited or lost weight like this with the girls though, so again it crossed my mind I might be carrying twins. When I went to the dr. for my first exam, she said that I was measuring larger than my due date and that I might be further then I think. Then, I went downstairs for my ultrasound - the only ultrasound I ever went to without James! When she took me back she said jokingly, "so is it one or two in there?!" because a week earlier I told her I swore I felt movement ALREADY. Laid back, as soon as it popped up on the screen, I saw two heads, and the nurse said, "Um. You have twins." Then we were quiet for a little and I said, "yep, that's what that looks like to me!" The rest is a blur, I was so shocked and scared that I couldn't even focus on the next few minutes of what was on the screen. I honestly wasn't ready for ONE more and never thought I would have 4 kids! Maybe a foster kid one day, but never four of my own. We weren't going to try for almost another year, and I still have a baby! Abby is my baby, she is in diapers, she sleeps in a crib, she needs me to hold her! Beyond that, the dr. told me they are high risk because they are in the same sacs. I would need a C-section. I ran out to the car and dialed James with shaking hands and told him and listened to him giggle....what else do you do but giggle?!

As I drove I took glimpses at the ultrasound picture and it didn't take long for me to fall in love with them and the peace that passes understanding to overcome me, and while I was still quivering, I just knew it was to be. I always have said I thought I would have twins. I went to show my parents the picture at their jobs, and a woman at my mom's work looked at me and said, "God has found favor in you". I really needed to hear that. Because sometimes I feel like I can barely get through the day with my sanity in tact with two kids, but if God granted me such a rare gift, I will take it graciously and do my best. If He saw me fit, one in ten thousand to handle this, then I can. I had been overwhelmed at the thought of having one more regular old baby who I would push out, take home a day later with me, and now I was having TWO babies, a high risk pregnancy, potential hospital bedrest (which is now definite bedrest) which will mean leaving my husband and 2 small children for 2 months and all the planning that goes with that, a C-section, and preemies who I will not even be able to hold for a few days and who will spend weeks in the NICU. If only I could go back and smack the me that was overwhelmed at the thought of one more! Somehow though, this all seems a little more special, and much more of a blessing. Onto why this blessing, also comes with huge risk, why we need so much prayer, and why they are truly miracles. WHAT ARE MOMO TWINS?:

One in one hundred are the odds of a woman becoming pregnant with twins. One in TEN THOUSAND are the odds of a woman becoming pregnant with mono mono twins. S0, say our Good Lord lines up 10,000 women. Then, He says, "Heather Petersheim! Step forward!" I look up and down the row of women, unable to see in either direction where they end, and no other woman stands forward with me. I am alone but somehow know I am blessed and that I was chosen just for this, and through this I will be used in some way. That's how I'm choosing to look at it, because the odds for these babies are not so good.

Mono mono twins have a 50-60% mortality rate, and that is the first thing that is scary about all of this. I will explain the reasons why; it's pretty scientific but I'll try to make it simple, bear with me this is the boring part.

Fraternal twins, who are in completely different chorionic and amniotic sacs, may be different genders and may look completely different. They happen when two eggs are fertilized and two placentas, one for each baby is formed. Identical twins happen later in the fertilization cycle. All identical twins share a chorionic sac and a placenta, and are always the same sex with the same color eyes and hair because they come from one sperm and one egg that splits late, so they share the same DNA and that is why they look alike. BUT, 98% of identical twins have separate amniotic sacs within the chorionic sac. These identical twins are called mono di, and almost all identical twins are mono di. Rarely, there will be a thin membrane separating the identical twins, but even more rarely - and in our case (mono mono) twins, there is absolutely nothing separating these babies from each other. This means that as they grow and move all around in the womb, their umbilical cords twist, tangle, knot, and compress. Not only do they share one placenta that they depend on for their nutritional needs and oxygen, but their cords will entangle and compress which will cut off nutriets and oxygen. This kills one or usually both babies 50-60% of the time without aggressive medical interventions. This is why we were praying that a membrane would be found separating them, but there just is not one. The good news is they were not conjoined...one day in the fertilization process can stand between momo twins and conjoined twins.

What this means since we have no membrane separating our babies, is that until viability outside the womb at 24 weeks, it is a watch and wait game. Mono Mono babies are usually as healthy as any other baby, but as the cords tangle and compress with each days new acrobats in there, the risk grows. This is why once I reach 24 weeks, I will be admitted to the hospital on bedrest and 24/7 monitoring for 8 weeks. They will perform Non Stress Tests multiple times a day to check the babies' heartrates, and if they find that one or both is in stress, they will perform an immediate emergency C-Section to get the babies out. I will get ultrasounds weekly to watch the cord entaglement and the growth of the babies. Although there is not much research on Momo twins because they are so rare, the research that is out there proves that when a mother is admitted for monitoring at 24 weeks and the babies are born via C-Section at 32 weeks, they then have a 85-90% survival rate, which is HUGE compared to the 40-50% survival rate without aggressive care. I'll take the aggressive care please. This means I have 11 weeks left before I become a prisoner of a tiny hospital room! Then, hopefully we can make it safely to 32 weeks, when I will get a C-Section and the babies will spend a few weeks in the NICU.

There are lots of other concerns with twin pregnancies in general, which is why they are all considered "high risk", but the other main concern with identical twins is called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. This happens in 20% of identical twin pregnancies, not just momo pregnancies. Because identical twins share a placenta, the blood flows through both cords and both babies. With TTTS, one baby, the "donor's" blood flows through them into the other baby, "the recipient" in surplus. One baby gets all the oxygen and nutrients and blood. You would think this means that baby is super healthy, but not so. With TTTS, usually both babies die, one from anemia and the other from heart and brain problems. So we also are praying that the babies do not develop TTTS which can happen at any time. Occasionally when this or Inrauterine Growth Restriction, another problem, happen then one baby dies and one lives. Sometimes you are recommended to terminate a baby who will most likely not make it and is risking the other's life. This is a decision I do not want to face.

Beyond all this, I was diagnosed with a stomach condition the same day I found out I was having twins, and it causes me a lot of severe pain and the diet that helps with the pain is not the healthiest diet for twins in utero. More on that another time...

Well that is long enough my friends. Now you know way more about this whole scenario than necessary but if you care, thanks for caring :) I will try to blog every few weeks with updates. THANK YOU for your prayers and encouragement and support and thoughts!