Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Caught in a Moment

Well, our baby girls are FOUR MONTHS OLD!!! I had a moment last night. Well, actually I guess the seed was planted the day before, when I laid out all my preemie clothing to take pictures of to sell on ebay. As I unfolded it all and looked at how tiny (and cute) it is, I got extremely sentimental! Among the clothing was the two fleecy striped monkey jammies that I had hanging on my closet in the hospital for inspiration. I would look at those little outfits to keep my eye on the ultimate goal: bring home two healthy thriving baby girls. I never knew for sure that I would, I knew there was a decent percent chance I could not, but I always had hope and faith led me to believe I would. When the babies were born at 3 pounds they were way too tiny for even preemie clothing, and they were kept in just their diapers in their incubators anyway. Too many cords mess with clothing. Just 3 weeks later when we brought them home, the preemie outfits were STILL too big, but wearable. It seems like in the blink of an eye, the girls were in those monkey outfits that finally fit, then all of a sudden they grew too big for them and I had to fold them up and put them away along with all the other teensy cute little stuff.

When you go into a store and see preemie clothing hanging there you always think it is sooo cute and so tiny that no human could possibly fit into something so small. Although it was a bit of a rocky road, I feel kind of lucky that I got to buy the smallest clothing available and put not one, but TWO baby girls in it! It is like what every little girls dreams about when they are playing baby dolls as kids. Plus, we got 2 extra months with our little bundles :) The extra 2 months of waking up all night I could leave, but every other moment I feel grateful to have more of!

 So as I folded the preemie clothing all up, I realized, "Wow. That chapter is OVER! For so long there was so much anticipation and nerves as we awaited them unknowing when or how or if's. They are just regular sized babies now! I mean, they are 4 months and are still in some newborn clothing but they have chubby cheeks, chubby thighs, little pot bellies, and you would never know they started out with legs the size of my fingers! Also bittersweet, is the fact that in folding up and putting away a size set of clothing and getting rid of it means that this is the last time in my life I will do that! The pregnancy and childbearing stage of my life is behind me forever and although of course there are some things I won't ever miss about being pregnant (projectile vomiting, heartburn, that general have been hit by a mack truck feeling and tiredness and body pains anyone?),  there are definitely a lot of things I feel blessed to have experienced and will miss about pregnancy - that first positive test and the excitement, watching a belly grow, coming up with names, and most of all feeling those kicks of life inside of me. Even the birthing/labor experience is something I enjoyed experiencing. Life's greatest moments. LIVING. Living the dream! Putting these little outfits in a box means my last babies are growing up! Those moments will be traded for other sweet ones,ones that I am sooo excited for, but not the same.  But it also hit me like all of a sudden they are just reglular sized, healthy, normal babies and I don't have to worry as much at all anymore! Yay!

So back to last night and my aha moment. I had just gotten one of the most exciting packages in the mail ever yesterday order of matching twin girl 0-3 month clothing from Gymboree - including two tiny flowered dresses with matching cardigans, tiny rufflebutt tights, and shoes among other things. I had it all laid out on my bed, and looking at it for some reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks! "I HAVE TWIN BABY GIRLS!!!! THEY ARE HERE!!! THEY ARE MINE FOREVER! They are ok and healthy and out of NICU and not in preemie clothing and will be coming off their monitors soon, are off of their caffeine, and THEY ARE CHUBBY!! We did this! We are doing this! All quite successfully and even with lots of smiles!" Woah. James and I say to each other randomly all the time, "Hey. We have twins. TWINS!" It is just so unbelievable and I think in my moment last night I realized how "big" our situation was, how wrong it could have went, how AMAZINGLY perfect it went for our situation, and how strong we were through it! When I look at pictures of these little miracles back from their NICU days (which was only over 2 months ago but feels like another lifetime), skinny and hooked up to this and that, they look like different babies. Their faces don't even look the same! They were so much more frail than I ever let myself believe and I thank God daily for modern technology and medicine, and my hospital stay that saved them! I feel almost like that was someone else who was in the hospital, who went into the NICU, not me!

It is a sweet, sweet life, this one I live :)

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