1 Week Down, 7 to Go! Hospital Happenings...

When I woke up and opened my blinds yesterday morning, the helicopter was landing on the roof - which means that the person inside was in critical condition. When my daughters come to visit me, we sometimes go outside into the Healing Garden, which is outside of the cancer wing. These, and other things are just reminders that I am here for blessed LIFE while so many others are here fighting death. And not just my life, two precious new little lives! If I have to be in the hospital, what an awesome reason, right?! Eight weeks is nothing compared to a lifetime!! People who could walk yesterday will leave here never being able to again. Children will come to visit their mommy, maybe for the last time ever. Without this hospital monitoring, my sweet babies only have a 50% chance for survival, but with this monitoring, an 85%-90% chance!!! I am not only grateful to be here, but grateful for the reason I am here.

So I've crossed week one off the calendar and that feels good because it actually went quite fast! Like I said before, I don't get bored, and I don't get lonely, and I definitely didn't! I partly write this blog for fellow momo moms following behind me so they know what to expect and hopefully so they have a success story to read! That, plus the fact that people ask what I do in here, leads me to share with you my super exciting day :)  I wake up around 8, get my insulin shots, eat breakfast and figure out my carbs for the day and order my meals for the next day (can I get an Amen for no cooking or cleaning?!) Next, after my blood sugar prick, I do my devotions, pray and check emails/keep myself updated on current news. I walk around my hamster wheel - I am only allowed to walk small circles around the antipartum floor unless I have a visitor with me to walk me elsewhere in the hospital. But the lady on complete bedrest with quads down the hall would probably love some hamster wheel time! I use my exercise bands and ball, all in an effort to not get blood clots because we all know I do not need one more issue! Then it is time for baby monitoring round #1. Monitoring is why I am here.

In monitoring sessions, they need to get a full 30 minutes of baby activity/heartrate accellerations and look out for decels etc...which never takes just 30 minutes because the babies - especially our busybee Aubrey - never stay still or in the same position. I have an anterior placenta, right smack in the front which complicates it too. More often than not, it's seeming they need to get an ultrasound in here to FIND the babies to monitor them because they are such little acrobats! I joke that the babies hear the velcrow of the straps and know it's coming and they start hiding. They literally sense the monitors and jump around like crazy when I am hooked up! So it's been up to 2 hours each monitoring session but it is cool to be able to hear the babies heartbeats and sneak peeks at them on the ultrasound machine. One of the things I love about being in here is feeling like I am getting to know the babies more and getting more excited for their arrival. Walking by the NICU and seeing an occasional teeny little foot in the air and knowing that is the goal is pretty cool. The hardest part is sitting still without moving that long while they monitor me, it's amazing how fast your back and bottom get sore, but there could come a time when I am on continuous monitoring which means allll day constant monitoring in the delivery room, so right now this is looking pretty good. So far the monitoring has all been good overall, with the exception of just a few decels which have all been on the same baby which is a little concerning but nothing major at this point because the baby always recovers. The Dr. said this is from the cord compression and they are expecting to see it, it is because they are MoMo, and that is why I am here. It can also be from a nuchal cord sometimes, or cord around the neck, which actually happens in 25% of all babies, not just Momo Twins. It helps to know that even when it is frustrating for the nurses and Dr's to not be able to get the babies on the  monitor in a timely fashion, they are patient and do what it takes to make sure the babies are ok.

After monitoring, it's time for lunch and I usually have a visitor somewhere before or after lunch. After lunch is another blood sugar prick, more hamster wheel time, visitors, more monitoring if the morning session was unsuccessful, and a nap if my stubborn body lets me! Insulin shots round 2, followed by dinner, followed by hamster wheel, finger prick 3, and then monitoring session #2 - this evening's turned into an ultrasound at 9pm due to yet again uncooperative baby girls! Finally, a shower to get all that glorious ultrasound jelly off, and I must say that my bathroom is nicer than some hotel bathrooms I've been in although the shower pressure leaves much to be desired and makes me thoroughly miss and look forward to my shower at home. But the bathroom here, it's my own, I don't have to share it, it is stocked with fresh towels I don't have to wash, and am I ever grateful for that! A final insulin shot before bed, meds, and that's a day! With all the nurses coming in and out, with visitors and my girls coming in, it really does fly by!

 Emotionally I am doing really well, but when the girls are here to visit and it comes time to say goodbye when they leave, it is rough on all of us. They cling to me and cry and I watch Abby screaming down the hall with her arms out screaming "Mommy!!!!"  and I myself am crying as I walk back to my room. The nurses are all so understanding and never say "it's ok!" when it's really not, but they know it is really tough and acknowledge that. I always have tears in my eyes when I am on the phone with them, and little Abby sings "TwinkleTwinkle" to me or tells me, "I pwaying mommy", or "Mommy home soon?". When Emma tells me she misses me being out of the hospital and tries to understand when I will come home but she doesn't get it. She always asks if the babies are born yet, and tells me I am not allowed to have anymore babies so I never leave her again (not a problem kid, I agree!) I know they are in good hands but it is not easy being away!! I got to have Emma sleep over the other night along with James :) She was so happy and they wheeled a little bed in here for her, and just looking at her in her Hello Kitty Jammies made me smile.

She was so well behaved, and so kind and chatty with the nurses and cleaning ladies. We got to wake up together and eat breakfast together, and it felt good just to help her brush her teeth, do her hair, and have her and James here. She enjoyed participating in a monitoring session and was sure to tell her sisters to stay still, and to tell them how much she loves them.

 I literally didn't sleep the first two nights, but that has improved enough to satisfy me. They do come in at 3am to prick me for blood sugar test, but they have graciously agreed to stop the 6am one and let me call them as soon as I am up! I must say having gestational diabetes (and it is definite that I indeed have it for the long haul, the rest of the pregnancy) it is a wake up call because this might mean I become a true diabetic one day (in most cases, gestational diabetes clears up after your pregnancy but returns later in life). My grandparents are all diabetic and I know it's a lot of needles and diet watching but now that I'm wearing those shoes it sure isn't fun. I am so hungry all the time and there is a refrigerator on the antipartum floor here fully stocked for patients will all kinds of glorious things I cannot have - chocolate milk, sandwiches, ice cream, italian ice, and cabinets with doritos, etc... My fingertips are sore from constant needles and makes it a little rough opening water bottles, typing this, etc...because they are sore. My arms are sore from the repetitive insulin shots. But the needles themselves aren't actually all that painful, and I know that they are keeping my babies and me in the health we need to be in. (Uncontrolled gestational diabetes is not only dangerous for me, but for the babies and especially as preemies because their lungs are at even greater risk) I can't say the 3am wake up to test my blood is a blast. The fact that I have gastroparesis complicates the diabetic diet because I have even further food restrictions. So I have to say that the whole diabetes thing was something I did not expect coming into this, and has probably been the hardest part besides when my girls leave crying and clinging to me. I am hoping that they adjust over time and that gets easier. At least I know they are being well cared for and loved.

And truly, so am I. Through those loving my children - my dad and mom along with my handsome husband James, my in laws, and sister wife Sara, through Dr's and nurses who are advocates for my babies (I have read about so many Momo mom's whose doctors told them to terminate their pregnancy since it was Mono Mono and considered too risky or not viable - I have never heard anything but hope and encouragement from every medical person I've been in contact with!), through my awesome friends and family. My cousin and her husband, along with my aunts have taken over caring for my grandmother so my mom can devote her time to my kids. My aunt sends me a little care box once a week to brighten my day. My girls draw me beautiful pictures and last night when Emma came to stay overnight she showered me with affection and wanted to rub my back and sing me a song before bed. My friends bring me fun surprises or spend time with me amidst their busy lives, and my mother in law brought me two cute little preemie outfits which hang in my closet here and make me smile. I have notes of encouragement, and am being honored with prayer and kind uplifting words by so many. My mom brings not only my girls in to see me, but wheels in a suitcase of fun things to keep them entertained while they are here. I had a friend give me a mini pedi before I came in here, and look forward to a friend teaching me to crochet cute things for my girls. I am so so humbled by the love I have been shown, and the support in all of this. It's awesome how God reveals his love and purposes.

I feel that the Lord gave me this situation, and gave me this time in the hospital for a purpose. I have enjoyed being able to drink a cup of coffee and have my breakfast and spend time praying and in His Word like I am not able to - or should I say I don't make time for - at home. The things I have been reading in my devotionals/Bible are just so spot on for this situation I am in and each day it is like it is written just for me, on that very day, and it's been really cool. My first full day here, as I was struggling with missing/leaving my kids a lot, I woke up and this was my devotional...and I'd like to say who says He doesn't speak today?!:

"Entrust your loved ones to Christ. Release them into His protective care. They are much safer with He than your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one, as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the fathers undisciplined emotions. God detests idolatry even in the form of parental love. When you release loved ones to Him, you are free to cling to His hand. As you entrust others into His care, He is free to shower blessings on THEM. His presence will go with them wherever they go, and He will give them rest. This same presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Him. Watch to see what He will do"

And the night of my arrival, I won't write out the whole thing, but the first sentence: "Trust Me, and don't be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust muscles."

 It is also pretty cool to be able to watch whatever I want on TV! The nurses here have all been so so so kind and accomodating, and even the food servers and housekeeping staff have been nice and caring. Having no responsibilities for awhile needs to be looked at by me as a gift, because I have a lifetime of responsibilities ahead of me. I look forward to what I will learn about myself and others through this experience, and I hope that I can keep on smiling through it all and inspire someone else. Of course my babies don't have the best survival rate and of course I have to mentally prepare myself for that, that anything can happen, that I could deliver tomorrow, that my babies will be preemies and along with that comes risks - besides death, particularly brain bleeds and cerebral palsy. God already knows the plan He has for me, and for my babies, and for everyone along this journey with me - my other kids, my husband, my parents and anyone else helping with the kids, my medical staff, you blog followers - everyone! I have complete faith in the outcome, regardless of what it is, that in the end it will be good, and I will love my babies nomatter how they turn out. What an exciting way to come into the world. What a story to tell for years to come! We are all awaiting Aubrey and Ava's birth like nothing before!

I look forward to turning my calendar to September, and then to October and I can only hope I make it that far so my babies have the best possible chance to be "normal" and healthy. The Dr. was just in here and celebrated with me that they are now 25 weeks instead of 24 and that alone is huge. She has prepared me that 32 weeks is the goal but may very well not be the reality. They are such little miracles and I just want to do the best job at giving them the best chance. I look forward to Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas when I will be back at home with my big girls, but know then I will have new trials and face one of the most challenging chapters of my life. But like I said in the beginning...being in a hospital makes you truly thankful for just that - LIFE! There are people drinking dirty water in the world, starving, who would kill for a hot shower or a bed much less TV, electricity, etc... I am BLESSED :)

A Pain in the Gut, A Pain in the Butt, and Other Tales from the Hospital Bed

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Well, here I am! The day has arrived and I am now in the hospital for the next two months plus, and my babies are viable and in the best care!!! Hooray! Leaving my girls was perhaps the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I know that they are in the best hands possible. Mommom and Poppop's house has more fun toys than our house does, Mommom has the worlds greatest imagination and sits and plays with the girls better than I even can, Poppop gets belly laughs out of Abigail, and I think that they will grow a great bond staying there. No child should have to be separated from their mommy for this long, but if there is any woman who has to be in the hospital this long, I can see in some ways why God chose me!

One, for the reason I just stated: My girls are in THE BEST hands, they have a great place to go. They have a pretty room of their own at my parent's house and love going there. When we were deciding on our last "family fun day" last week, we threw ideas out to Emma such as the zoo, Knoebles, Blue Marsh Beach, etc...and Emma said, "Or we could go to Mommom's house!" And this makes me feel so good to know that it ranks up there with amusement parks and such! Furthermore, my mom has the support on weekends of other people who love my children so much and will do their best to make them smile. They will go to Grammy and Bill's some weekends, where Abby loves to feed the fish in the pond (so much so that she "went swimming" with them the first time - I think she learned her lesson!), and Em loves to shop and dance with Grammy. My INCREDIBLE friend Sara will take them other times and Emma loves to play with her kids John and Elina, and I am honored to have them in the presence of one of the worlds kindest, loving women. Sara, who has 3 kids of her own, offered to take my kids the whole 2 months! That is sacrifice! I am so thankful for her for so many reasons. Then we have SO many other family members and friends who have offered their help and support, and if you are one of them THANK YOU!!!

 Some women in my position might have not had willing or able family and had no other option than to send their kids to daycare or with someone their kids are highly uncomfortable with...I am so blessed to not be in such a position and have family helping. I will miss my kids dearly, but will worry about them little. We could use prayers for little Abby, who is quite the momma's baby and does not do well with anyone other than James and I except my mom and dad. I pray that through this experience she finds security and builds relationships with others and can find comfort and maybe even fun in them. She fortunately has her sister Emma with her too. My mom has generously offered to keep Abby all the time if being with others is just too much for her. After all, while it is a great opportunity to bond to others, she is not quite 2 years old and her mommy has been taken away from her and her whole world turned upside down...now is not the time to force her to be unhappy. I do think a positive to it all is that some of that momma's baby syndrome will cool down just in time for 2 more babies to need me.

The second reason I am "good" for this, besides wonderful family and friends to care for my girls, is that I am innately someone who does not get bored or lonely. The thought of being confined to a hospital room for 2 months never ever worried me in the sense of going crazy bored or lonely. I enjoy time alone, and while I will miss my girls, I will choose to savor the quietness as I will never have this much alone time again!!!! I am an introverted person. I also am quite content just watching TV, reading, crafting, etc...and I very rarely if ever get to do these things, so I will savor that as well! Besides, if the rest of the days go like today did, I will have nurses and doctors in my room multiple times an hour anyway! Can a girl get 10 minutes in the bathroom with her one ply sandpaper toilet paper without interruption? Apparently not so hahaha! People have asked if I can have visitors, and the answer is yes! Visiting hours are 11-8 for those who have asked, and you are welcome to visit. You just may want to text or call me first, as I have frequent monitoring, ultrasounds, other visitors and hope to scrape together some time for naps if I can get an uninterrupted hour or two between all this hospital hub bub! That being said, don't feel that you have to interrupt your own busy life to come see me, like I said, I really don't get lonely!

Which brings me to today, or actually yesterday now since it is the middle of the night. I held it together pretty well the last few days and today, cried tears of course, but I got most of it out last week when I sobbed the whole way home from my doctor appointment because all of a sudden it all got so real. I have been able to remain so positive and so strong throughout this journey so far (Only cried maybe 2 times?!) but this has been a tough week emotionally for me. Any time I looked at my girls, and in moments that I took for granted before (like peeking it at my daughters before I go to bed, staring at them fast asleep and sneaking one last kiss for the night) that I knew I would not be privy to for so long, made me so so sad. It is not totally a secret that I struggle with anxiety and so my mind goes places such as, "what if there is a complication with me during my c-section and I don't come back etc..." or "what if I go away from my big girls and my babies don't make it, one or both, anyway?" I am quick to remind myself God gave me these exact babies, this exact situation, and I have been able to ride on faith and shove those thoughts away quickly. I have been so happy that my anxiety has remained super in check through all of this!

This morning Emma just wanted me to hold her and kept saying she would miss me so much, and she cried a little, but when I actually left to come to the hospital she just hugged me a lot and didn't cry. Abby has no clue what is going on, or that I won't be back, so I think her tears will be saved for when she comes to visit and then has to leave without me. James and I had a "last supper" at Austins and then I wheeled my two suitcases into the hospital. I was SO SO happy to have him by my side as I left the girls, checked in, and on the first day here which I assume will be the roughest emotionally. I was pleasantly surprised by my room, I have a large window and can see trees which thoroughly excites me as I will mostly miss the change of the leaves as summer turns to fall. It is fairly quiet, and I can't complain about having a room of my own that NOBODY CAN MESS UP!!! I will live in cleanliness woo hoo!!! No dishes, no wash, no housework, no cooking, and someone brings me food I order. Yep, there are positives to this my friends! I posted pictures on the wall of my girls and James, and I have my stack of books, magazines (thanks to my sister in law and friend!), Bible, Notebook, and TV. Not exactly home sweet home, but knowing that my unborn babies are being taken care of is such a relief. I will live for visits from my hubby and girls, and for getting to see my babies on the ultrasound screen, knowing they are doing well.

I will take a minute to say what has NOT been so pleasant so far ...and now I'm going to be a little Susie Sourpuss, excuse me. Of course it is all worth it and of course I am grateful for so much but this blog is about my journey: the good, bad, ugly, and honest and so I am choosing to share some of my not so sunny feelings now and then! Besides, what is true growth without some struggle? Part of the title of this blog is Pain in the Butt...well, I had to get my first dose of steroid shots in the you-know-where today to help develop the babies lungs. I was admitted today, at 24 weeks, because that is considered Viability - we made it!! My babies could be born tomorrow if something is found to not look right on the monitoring strips that they run daily, and so at the risk of having micro preemies, they will give me a steroid shot today, tomorrow, and then another set right before my CSection which will hopefully be at 32 weeks and no earlier. The shot itself didn't hurt but the after effects sure did!!! I don't mind the pain much but I just freak myself out before hand! However, what a blessing to live in this country in this year and be able to get a simple shot to help my preemies breathe! The steroid shots will also help to prevent brain bleeds and digestive disorders in the babies.

 The next con would be that it is 2am and I can't sleep, surprise surprise! I even took a unisom but not only is the bed small and not comfortable, my mind is so full and I have stomach pain (Pain in the Gut, the other part of the title which I'll get to after a bit). I will be woken up each morning by 7, despite trying to fight this...why wake a pregnant insomniac so early when she finally has the chance to not be woken by two little curly haired angels yelling, "wake up seepy head! Mommy get dressed! Get out of bed!"?  (For the record, that means I would much rather wake to my beautiful girls at 9am but I guess in a sense I am waking FOR my other two girls :) Well, I won the battle of residents making their rounds between 6 and 7am, they agreed to come later and not wake me up so early so I was happy about that. BUT, then when I got my finger prick to check my blood sugar tonight it was sky high. Soooo I got another finger prick, and then another. Still high. By the third one it had gone down a bit, but not only does being pregnant with multiples greatly increase your odds of gestational diabetes, the steroid shot also elevates your blood sugar. ANNNDDD this girl didn't know they would be checking my blood sugar tonight, so my day consisted of some leftover baby shower cake that was out of this WORLD after breakfast, and then a "last supper" binge of sorts on Crab alfredo, chicken fingers, and baked apples at Austins. Tack on the coconut cake they brought with my dinner plate tonight and yeah, it's gonna be high. The steroid shot elevates your blood sugar but she said it would not elevate it that fast. So I will be getting my pinpricks a couple times a day to monitor my sugar, and insulin shots just in my arm before meals to steady my sugars. A dietician will come in and help me with a diabetic diet. In 2 weeks once the steroids wear off I will get my glucose bloodwork to check for 100% tride and true gestational diabetes, and I am praying I don't have it...but with all my grandparents having diabetes and the multiple pregnancy adding to the risk who knows.

To complicate that, we move onto "A Pain in the Gut". If you were wondering how to pray for me, boy am I making your head spin, huh? Well, the day I found out I was having twins, I first had an appointment at the Gasteoentorogist. Before I knew I was pregnant, and since about December of last year, I had been having gagging sensations, some swallowing issues, stomach pain in my upper stomach, and some nausea among other symtoms. At first I thought it might be related to my lack of sleep from insomnia...my sleep studies showed I wake 32 times an hour from apnea blurps, restless leg syndrome, and my anxiety does not help with falling asleep. (Am I 90 or 30?) But my regular Dr. decided to schedule a barium swallow x ray series to see what was wrong digestively. Praise the Lord I decided to take a pregnancy test days before this x ray because pregnant women cannot get x rays or drink barium! My babies were spared! However, the pain just got worse as my pregnancy sickness began and my body was being pumped with progesterone. I landed in the ER on the way back from the beach in April with what was guessed to be stomach ulcers and an H.Pylori infection - I literally thought I was dying the pain was so bad! They recommended I see a specialist. So I had my visit to the Gastroentologist, who diagnosed me with a rare stomach condition called Gastroparesis, not stomach ulcers. This disease is most often caused by diabetes, but can also be brought on by stomach viruses. We had 2 rounds of bad stomach virus in our house right around when my pain began. And let me get back to the irony of THAT in another blog. The cure for this painful disease? NONE. The treatment however, is eating small amounts and a low fat, low fiber diet with no raw vegetables, very little fruits and veggies in general, no whole grains, basically a very unhealthy diet for anyone, especially someone pregnant with twins. So I tried the diet, it didn't help much but I did find trigger foods like salad, apples, broccoli, etc...that I had been eating a lot of, made it worse. They referred me to a nutritionist. The nutritionist told me she had never seen this and honestly didn't know much to tell me. She scolded me for only gaining 12 pounds (HELLO I was vomiting my whole first 4 months and eating a lot hurts my stomach!!!) She told me that a snack for me should be a McDonalds burger and add a glass of milk to that. She told me to eat 3100 calories and that I need to get my weight up, which is now quite up! Everything seemed contradictary to what the Gastroentologist told me. NOW I have to go on a diabetic diet. And yes, I have stomach pain tonight from all the food I ate today but it sure was delicious at the time! So this is the "Pain in the Gut", and it is a never ending battle. Once I have the babies I can get proper testing and hopefully some relief. I just hope that through it as I control my pain and bloodsugar levels, my babies get all the nourishment they need.

So, there are pro's, there are con's, and I am going to choose to dwell on the pro's and make the best of it. After all, I bet in a couple months I would give anything for a day in bed by myself with free reign of time and the remote, someone cleaning and cooking for me, and so I need to enjoy it now!!!!Being in here makes me more excited to meet my twins,  and to focus on them and getting them here healthy. They seem more "real" now! It is crazy to think they could be born at any time, and scary to think that if they are born sooner than later that there are so many risks. Next time I walk into my home I will have 4 kids!! I cannot wait to meet and look at and touch my babies!!! I believe God chose me for this and will carry me through anything though. I am in good hands, everyone has been so kind. I have great memories from the last weeks to carry me through. My husband surprising me with an overnight getaway to the beach where he replaced my lost wedding rings...Watching my girls grin huge grins on the rides at Knoebles...A date with just my mom...Dinner with my brother, sister in law, and parents at Beverly Hills Tavern...A fun pool day with my in laws...And a surprise baby shower Sunday night with best friends, old friends and new friends, and some family.

I apologize my blog has not been so frequent...now that I am here with no responsibilities I will keep it more up to date and I hope to be reporting wonderful news! I have an ultrasound to look forward to tomorrow between monitorings (yay for seeing my babies!), and hopefully I can score a nap with no interruptions and my body lets me sleep! I can't wait for my big girls to come visit me tomorrow!!

Again, thank you all SO VERY MUCH for your prayers and encouragement. I am one lucky gal. Pain in the butt, gut, and all :)