What a rollercoaster ride! As I walked out of the doctors office today and strolled up the hall, blaring over the speakers above me was Alanis Morissette's song "Isn't it Ironic", and it was like I was in a music video of my life right now!!! Everything about this pregnancy has been rare, shocking, scary, and indeed IRONIC! Today we found out that our "boys" are most likely actually girls! Since I have had so many ultrasounds, I got to find out early. At two separate offices at 14 and 16 weeks, two different techs said boy each time. I didn't go shopping to buy blue, or take it as a definite after the first one because I knew it was early. Then, after the second one I allowed myself a fun little trip to Carter's to buy adorable matching boy outfits. We named them Cole and Micah, and that is who they became. It seems there is no Cole and Micah, and that is sad. Not that having girls is devastating by any means - the most important thing is that they are healthy and that God gave them to us and we love them so so much already. They are true and total blessings regardless of their sex. It is just getting in a new mindset and saying farewell to what we had been dreaming about the future for them, assuming they were boys!
That being said, not only am I so in love with them, I am so excited about the thought of pink pink pink :) I am excited for all that girlyness because I am in fact a girly girl! I love crafts, make up, clothing, cooking, baking, girly shows and movies, and such and now I have 2 more daughters to share these things with. My best friend from way back in the day coincidentally is 18 weeks pregnant just like me (and you know we weren't planning this because we weren't trying), and she just found out she is having a girl so I am excited to raise our girls together. When I had been shopping for a little girl outfit for her last week, I was feeling a little sad that I would never have a girl to dress up in teeny tiny frilly things again. Just this morning I was looking at my Abigail's tiny painted toenails and thinking how I love having girls! Yesterday I made zucchini bread with Emma and Abigail and smiled to myself knowing I have baking buddies for life...now I will have 2 more! Me gaining baking buddies and more girls to dress up means James being even more outnumbered. It means the perfect balance of boys to girls is gone, but this is the perfect family God has chosen for us - 5 girls, one dad :) This is what makes me sad for him, but I know that he is an amazing daddy to little girls! I just wished for him to be able to have sons for life and thinking he got that and then having it taken away is a bit of an adjustment.
In less than 6 weeks I will be wheeling my overstuffed suitcase into the hospital and checking in for my 8 weeks of bedrest and monitoring. There is both relief in this and utter sadness for me in this. Relief, because I will know that my unborn babies are under strict surveillance. Their heartrates and the bloodflow through their tangled cords will be monitored so that if there is any problem they will have the best possible chance of getting out as soon as possible. For now, being out of the hospital, it is in the back of my mind that at any minute with the wrong movement in there, the cords which are tangled could compress and the babies could die. Whenever I don't feel movement I tell myself they are fine because I have chosen faith and positivity, but know it is a real possibility that they are not ok. In that aspect, being in the hospital will be comforting. That is about where the comfort will end however. I could care less about my own comfort. I do not worry at all about being bored or lonely. What I worry about is that the babies inside of me make it to their 32 week delivery safe, sound, and healthy, and for my two daughters who I have to leave behind for 2 months. I feel like especially in my one year old I will miss so much "new stuff" she says and does. She is such a mommy's baby, and she is too little to explain this all to and it will be so hard on her having to be away from me so much. Emma is going to miss me, but she is excited about sleeping at mommom's house and other places. She knows babies are coming and that is why I am going in the hospital. I can communicate with her and make her feel secure that I am coming back.
It's funny what it takes sometimes to make you truly, humbly appreciate things. This situation and knowing I will be away from my family for 2 months, makes me that much more appreciate RIGHT NOW and not sweat the small stuff. Appreciate every morning when my girls run into my bedroom to wake me up with giant smiles and a loud, "MOMMYYYY!" (although this is not as appreciated at 5:30 am as it is at 8am). Appreciate every kiss I get, every snuggle and hand hold. Appreciate each new word Abby says that I get to witness, and each creative drawing Emma makes just for me. Appreciate each family dinner, sitting next to my husband on our couch watching TV at night, and snuggling in bed on his mornings off. Appreciate evening walks, tucking in sweeties in jammies, and cooking in my kitchen. The other night after Abby was in bed and James fell asleep in the living room, Emma and I walked hand in hand around the block in our jammies in the dark and talked. Today at the playground she was her social friendly little self and walked up to two older girls and said, "Hi I'm Emma can I play with you? Would you like to play with one of the ponies I brought or share my basketball?" The other day she learned to ride her bike. I will miss these moments that are so easily taken for granted. Saying prayers with Abby last night, I thanked Jesus for her and Emma, for daddy, for a cozy bed, etc...and she, with her little eyes squeezed closed, piped in: "bugs! moon! blankie!" (those are what she is thankful for in that moment). It's only two months I will be away from them, but these are moments I am cherishing now because I know that for two months I won't have them every day. When I bring the babies home, in the busyness and newness of it all I might miss some things just because I will be splitting my time between 4 instead of 2. THE PRESENT IS A PRESENT. I've heard it before and liked it a lot, but it rings so so true right now!
I presently have an amazing and hardworking husband, incredible daughters, and two more miracle baby girls on the way - and right now those baby girls are healthy and growing well. At any moment I could lose any of them, and this situation reminds me of that in a good way! I am so grateful for the present. The present is pretty awesome and the past was even more great than I realized. I am hopeful, nervous, excited, and scared about the near future all at the same time, but I have put my faith in God from the beginning of this. With every twist, turn, and "ironic" unfolding of events in our life I am just grateful for the present - and I know more than anyone lately that all you can really rely on is the present, because your future can change dramatically in an instant!