A Little Stronger Every Day

I cannot believe that three weeks have passed since I had Ava and Aubrey! Time certainly has flown by, but overall through this whole experience it went fast. My babies have done exceptionally well and have exceeded my expectations! I was more worried about NICU complications than anything I had to worry about, and their stay has been picture perfect. I almost want to pinch myself. After a week, they came off of their oxygen and IV's and this week they "graduated" into the annex, a room outside of the NICU that is for babies who are just feeding and growing!  They began taking bottles and Aubrey came off of her feeding tube - that yucky old thing that goes down their little noses into their bellies that they pull out constantly and have to get put back in. Seeing her precious little face with not a single thing on it was so awesome!!! Ava needs to do a better job finishing her bottles and then she will be able to come off of hers too.

Tonight was our first attempt at breastfeeding. I have been pumping milk and taking it to them for their bottles since they were born, but a baby is not capable of suck/breathe/swallow until 34 weeks at the earliest and they had to get some bottles first. With my older girls, breastfeeding was very challenging for me at first so I was kind of nervous about breastfeeding the twins. First up was Ava, and she latched right on like a pro and nursed like a little champ! Next it was Aubrey's turn and she too sucked away like she's done it all her little life. It was such an incredible moment and feeling, to be nourishing my babies and watch them succeed yet again! To look down at them and feel them feeding from me instead of a plastic pump was so rewarding and satisfying!

I have kind of had this weird feeling since I had them that I am still pregnant or something because I am still waiting for them in a way - waiting for them to come home. When I visit them sometimes it feels like they are not mine yet, and in some ways they aren't because I have to leave them. I only get to be with them an hour or two a day and someone tells me what I can and cannot do. I feel like I am still waiting to "have my babies". Nursing them tonight, I felt like they were MINE. I could see them coming home for real. I could imagine those middle of the night cries that only I can quiet. I love that they have their mommy. Everything in the NICU is so sterile and plastic and medical - including the gloved hand that usually feeds them from a plastic bottle. To see them snuggled in my arms, against my skin, nursing felt like heaven to me and I know to them it did too! And the best part is we are just DAYS away from them really being 100% all mine :)

The doctor tonight told me that the twins have soared through and will go home in the next week, with Aubrey potentially going home in just days!! We have to first get training sessions on CPR and the monitors that they will need to go home on. These monitors are attached to cords that stick onto their bellies to alert us if their heart rates or oxygenation go dangerously low. It will be just a bit of an inconvenience, but very welcome in my opinion because I will not worry as much if they are ok. The babies also have to pass the carseat test, where they have to sit for 90 minutes in their carseats without having "events" with their breathing or heartrates. Once Ava takes her bottles better and gets her feeding tube out she can come home too! It was so weird having babies and coming home from the hospital empty handed. To fold their tiny wash and put it away but have them not here. I am SOOOO excited they are coming home! No more never seeing my husband because when he gets home from work I go into NICU. Our whole family will be together for the holidays. That is the only gift I need!

Another exciting thing happened this week with the babies' move into the NICU annex. Unlike the regular NICU, there is a window in the Annex, and Emma and Abigail FINALLY got to see their baby twin sisters! We have all waited for this moment and I didn't think they would get to see their sisters until they came home. I knew Emma was excited but Abigail usually cries out of jealousy when she sees me holding other babies so I wasn't sure how she would respond.  As soon as the curtain opened, just inches and some glass between the four girls, Abby and Emma had immediate giant smiles and twinkling eyes as they stared at their baby sisters. I could lightly hear them through the glass and they were singing twinkle twinkle little star to the babies, Abby repeating after Emma. I heard Emma say, "Aren't you babies just so blessed to have a wonderful big sister like me?". Then later at night Abby said a couple of times, "I saw baby Ava today!". Emma and Abigail are little buddies these days and it just melts my heart! They say the cutest things to each other and I am  really glad they have each other. I like this even number amount of kids thing - everyone has someone :)

Listening to the nurses talk tonight, they were saying how the babies in the Annex are all doing so well and that it is not the case in the regular NICU, there are a lot of babies who are not doing so well. My heart breaks for those mothers and babies, and I feel so very blessed my babies are doing well.

 

Driving home the other night, even though I am always so sad to leave my babies, I felt such a peace that everything in my life is perfectly in place and all is as it should be. My drive is about 35 minutes, and I love where I live. I love watching city turn to country with my country music playing. I love my small town, even if in high school we called it "the potpie curtain". I love that there is only one stoplight in the whole town, that the grocery store is the smallest of any I know around, and that it is surrounded by fields. I love that my kids will go to school where I did and that the man in the hardware store knows me by name. I love that this is where God put us to raise our 4 daughters. At the beginning of all this when we were told these babies were boys, I thought that 2 girls and 2 boys was the perfect family, but now I think these 4 girls are the perfect family. Being home with my big girls has been so fun too. We trick or treated twice and have kept busy with crafts, books, snuggles, and movies. I am so thankful to be out of the hospital for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas!

I sing to the babies when I am in there, usually Twinkle Twinkle, You are My Sunshine, and Jesus Loves Me among others. The first week I could only hum because for some reason when I would sing I would start to cry. Now I can sing, and actually finish a song. When I was singing Jesus Loves Me to them the other day, "they are weak but He is strong" stuck out like a sore thumb among the lyrics of all the songs I was singing. So true. My babies are the tiniest, frailest, weakest and most vulnerable human beings right now. Weaker than they will ever be in their whole lives probably. But their God, my God, your God - He is so strong. Stronger than anything this world can bring. Because He is strong, I was able to be strong throughout my pregnancy and hospital stay. My strength is derived from Him alone and I am so grateful to have had my faith through all of this. He is strong, and my babies are in His care, in His will. My babies are showered with prayer from hundreds of amazing and caring people. They are weak, but He is strong. How amazing. And they get less weak and more strong every day.

The Birth of Ava and Aubrey

My beautiful little momo miracles are here! In my last few blogs if you remember I was tortured about the decision between delivering at 32 or 34 weeks, and at first even the doctors were not sure or in agreement. When they decided 32 weeks, I felt as at peace as I could and agreed...but our babies had other plans anyway!! Our one day early birds :) This blog is a long one (aren't they all?) because I haven't had the chance to really write!

It was just one day before my scheduled 32 week C-Section. The morning started like any other morning during my two month stay in the hospital. I woke up thinking, "My last full day pregnant! Tomorrow I have my babies!" My excitement was paired with a touch of nervousness as I wondered what the C section would be like, how hungry I would be since I woudn't be able to eat or drink from the night before, and picturing my mom and James by my side watching the babies come into the world. I hoped my 10am time would not get bumped back because I just wanted it overwith. As I wondered about that next day, I had breakfast, got dressed, did some hamster wheel laps, and then got on the monitor. Same old. Between two nurses they couldn't get the babies to stay on - which was really nothing out of the ordinary and had been an issue on and off the whole hospital stay because the babies moved so much. After little success, the nurses decided to have a Resident come with the ultrasound machine to find the babies so they could get them on the monitor good. Once they found them, the resident held one monitor on baby A and the other nurse held another monitor on baby B. My lunch tray had arrived and I was hungry and since I had the gestational diabetes I ate a bowl of soup while I layed there to ward off becoming symptomatic. I was watching Rachel Ray, then The View. The resident and nurse every once in awhile would say that baby A was having decels. This also was nothing new really, the babies always had some decels due to the cord compression. After a couple though, I could tell on their faces that they were getting a bit concerned and they began counting the decels and how long they lasted. The resident said she was just going to go call my Doctor just to let him know...

Next thing I know, minutes later, my doctor was there in my room, standing at the foot of my bed and said, "So how about we have some babies today? They need to come out. Now. We cannot wait until tomorrow." My heart started racing, which the monitor picked up and started dinging! A million thoughts raced through my head. I had always known, every time I went on the monitor this could and probably eventually would happen but on this day, one day before we were scheduled, it didn't even cross my mind. Were my babies ok? How bad was this? Would they survive until they got them out and them getting them out? Would James be able to make it here in time? My mom? It was just ONE DAY before the scheduled section, was this for real?? And so many more racing thoughts and questions. With two nurses, a resident, and the dr. all looking at me, I of course said, "Ok?!" followed by multiple questions I rattled off to the nurses as the doctor left to get ready. He had told me to call my husband and mom right away, but he wasn't sure if the anesthesiologist was going to put me completely to sleep due to the urgency and the fact that I had eaten, and if he did then nobody would be allowed in the C Section. Of course I wanted to just get my babies out healthy, but I felt crushed that one day early and I would be put to sleep and not experience any of it with my loved ones by my side. As the nurses scurried around, getting an IV in my arm etc, I was asking some of the less important million questions in my mind: "Can I pee quick? (I had been laying on the monitor for over an hour and was about dying!) Can I brush my teeth? Can I drink some water quick? (That soup made me parched!) When will we know if I have to be put to sleep?" And I was shaking trying to call James and my mom and quick post on facebook to ask for prayer from all the wonderful people who I knew were praying for us!

The answers to my questions were, No, I couldn't get out of bed to pee, drink, brush my teeth, or anything else. They whisked me, in my bed, down to labor and delivery where I was quickly prepped and met James. He was thankfully at work, which is 20 minutes closer to the hospital than if he were at home, plus he didn't have the kids so that aspect was far less complicated. My dad couldn't find my mom though, she was at the mall with my big girls and had no phone reception and was not answering. I told James if my mom didn't make it that my mother in law could come in if she wanted, since she was on her way already. The doctor told me that they would just do a spinal so I could stay awake and have James in with me. Whew!

 I went in alone to get the spinal, rolled over, and they wasted NO time. All of a sudden I just felt all this tugging, and within a minute or two heard the tiniest gargly cry and "Baby A! Girl!" then just seconds later "Baby B! Nuchal Cord! Girl!" and another weak little cry. They were out already?!  Happiness and relief and wonder and sheer amazement. Followed by wondering where was my husband??? Where was my mom??? Why aren't they in here? Why didn't anyone get them? All of a sudden they came barging in and James looked over the curtain waiting for the babies to come out...I told him they had already been born and to go look in the bassinets surrounded by the NICU team each baby was assigned to. He took pictures of each baby girl to show me and watched the NICU work on the babies' breathing. They let him cut one of the cords.

Speaking of cords, the reason half of momo's die is due to the inevitable knots and twists that cause compression in the cords of the babies since there is no separation by membrane in a mono mono pregnancy. Our cords tell the story of the MIRACLE of life these babies are. The GRACE of GOD and the blessing of my inpatient stay and the monitoring session that caught the decels in Ava that morning. Decels from the knots that were cutting off her oxygen and nutrient supply. Just ONE morning before I was scheduled. Furthermore, Aubrey's cord was around her neck (nuchal cord). Had I not been inpatient in the hospital, my precious babies would have died. Looking at the giant knot of knots that their umbilical cords were, it is beyond amazing that they made it, and that they made it as far as they did. This is not even just one little knot...it is knots within knots - although all it takes to kill a baby is one little knot.

At 31 weeks and 6 days old, our Ava Mae was born at 2:37pm and weighed 3 lbs. 9 oz and was 16 and a half inches long. Aubrey Elle was born second, also at 2:37pm and weighed 3 lbs. 8 oz and was 16 inches long. They are so so so beautiful and perfect in every way. Mae is after my grandmother, and Elle is after my husband's father, Elmer, who passed away 5 years ago. My first impression was that they look so much like my oldest daughter Emma, and my husband. The babies weights were exactly what maternal fetal medicine estimated at my last ultrasound just a few days before the delivery! Crazy!

Before each babies' team rushed them up to NICU, I got to see each baby girl face to face. I waited and waited and there they were, so tiny and quiet and precious - and MINE, and ALIVE - just inches from my face. I was almost afraid to breathe on them or to touch them! Through that whole 2 months in the hospital I wondered if I would be able to hear them cry or see them before they were taken to NICU. The fact that I experienced both was so awesome and exceeded my expectations! I was grateful James was at least there while I got stitched back together, and I chatted to Emma a bit too! I wished my mom could have been there, and that James and her would have been sitting there watching each baby come out into the world, but the bottom line is that this was an emergent C Section - my babies were born in the SAME MINUTE, and they are survivors - beautiful and healthy. That is what truly matters.

 

After 2 hours in recovery they wheeled my bed into the NICU to see the babies. James got to hold one and I held the other. I really don't remember this I was so drugged from the morphine!! Thank goodness there are pictures if it.  I could barely keep my eyes open I remember that! The NICU was actually full, but since I was a patient for 2 months they promised to keep my babies instead of shipping them off to St. Christopher's in Philly and I was SO grateful for that! So the babies ended up in a small room off of the NICU which was actually kind of private and more quiet.

 

It all happened so quickly and suddenly, out of nowhere, and suprised us all! I had no time to lose sleep, agonize, worry, dream, or anything. In this sense it was good! It was also nice for me that I got to have that bowl of soup and still stay awake for the C Section. Most of all, I am so grateful for the fact that the babies and God decided on their own - 32 weeks and 34 weeks aside - and I will never ever have to carry the burden or worry that the doctors or I may have made the "wrong" decision in choosing 32 weeks. It happened on it's own, and just ONE day early so it didn't compromise on the babies gestational development. I had 3 rounds of steriods in me and it really couldn't have happened any better. I wish there were more time for my husband to have gotten in there and see the babies be born, but other than that it was pretty sweet!

I stayed in the hospital for 4 days, James was able to be there 3 of the 4 with me, and it was so nice to be just steps up the hall from our babies and be able to go visit them whenever we wanted. I felt great the first 2 days after the C Section and was walking around good, packed my room of 2 months up, and began pumping milk for the babies. By day 3 and 4 I was in considerable pain but was still grateful to be as close as possible to the babies. The day we left, I cried leaving the babies - real crying, more than ever through this journey so far. All morning just the thought of driving away from the hospital, and them, filled my eyes with tears. I didn't want to leave them. In my mind I knew it would be hard but I never knew how hard it would be. I expected to be way more excited to be busting out of the hospital after so long and go home to my house and my big girls and my husband but my heart was just broken. Halfway through the drive home, as I looked at the fall scenery and city change to country I started to feel a little better (I think my Starbucks Pumpkin Latte helped too). I just tried to keep telling myself they are in the best hands, and they are ALIVE. I could be driving away from a much worse situation. They were created by God as Momo twins, and their destiny was death or an early birth and weeks in the NICU. This is how it is supposed to be and they are in the best situation for their situation.

Pulling up to MY HOUSE, the colorful mums James had planted while I was gone, and pumpkins on the porch put a smile in my heart. The door opened and Emma and Abby yelled, "MOM!" with huge smiles plastered on their precious little faces, I walked in to hugs and kisses galore. Abby said, "Mom! You home from hops-it-awl! Yayy!" and she kept saying it over and over (and she still keeps saying it over and over). Emma kept staring at me and hugging and kissing me and saying she was so glad I was home. My mom had my house cleaned up a bit and my fall decorations out, pumpkin candles burning. It felt SO good to sit on my sofa after sitting in a hospital bed for so long. My kitchen, my bed, my shower, my yard. Oh my goodness I cannot express to you how good coming home to THIS LIFE, my life, felt! We had picked up a pizza from Pizza Hut, and sat down at the dining room table. Looking around it at the faces I love looking back at me with big smiles was just the most incredible feeling. Knowing there will soon be 2 more spots filled at that table, and dreaming of all the family dinners and memories that will happen there with our complete family is just the best feeling. Snuggling with my older daughters in some way helped ease the sadness of missing my babies I left behind. And then naptime, in MY BED with my soft cozy covers and my wonderful husband by my side. I am SO GLAD TO BE HOME!!!! And yet so very grateful for the experience God gave to me, lessons learned, and the fact that my babies lives were saved by that long hospital stay.

Ava and Aubrey are now 10 days old, and are doing well. They breathe the same air you and I do, they got taken off of their CPap breathing machines about a week after birth. I was so thankful a few days ago when they were able to lose their IV's. That was the hardest part for me because their tiny veins kept blowing day after day and each time we would visit, the IV would be in a new spot and most recently in their tiny little heads. The nurse said it took up to an hour to try to get the IV's into a vein. As an adult I know how that feels and to think of such tiny frail beings having to go through that, without me to hold or comfort them just crushed me daily. That on top of bloodwork, x-rays, and the other things they go through. But you know what? All these things save their sweet little lives! And it was just a week and my little fighters were able to come off of all of that! They pulled the cpap out of their noses so often that they had to keep getting it retaped to their faces and their skin was red and peeling off. I am so thankful for medical technology and yet so glad they didn't need much of it for that long!

They now just have their monitors on to measure their oxygenation and heartrates, and a tube that goes down their nose into their stomach for their feeds. In a week or so they can begin to be bottle fed but with preemies, the suck/swallow/breathe thing takes quite a bit of time and practice. Once they get that down pat and come out of their incubators and can keep their own temperatures, then they can come home. We still have a few weeks ahead of us but they are doing great. Our only setback has been some jaundice and Ava had some stomach problems but they held a feed and her x-rays and bloodwork came back fine. Their brainscans showed no brain bleeds. Also, during my stay in the hospital, a crew was working on the brand new NICU extension that is super modern, cozy, and holds 8 babies. A week after Ava and Aubrey were born they cut the ribbon and opened this new NICU. Ava and Aubrey got to be two of the eight lucky babies to go into this modern and comfortable space. It is great for us, and what are the odds it would open the week my babies are born? Thanks God :)

Praise God for these miracles, and for the hands that delivered them and take care of them. I miss them every minute I am not with them. Holding them is absolute heaven, and holding them both together for the first time was absolutely one of life's greatest moments ever! It is well known that with preemies it's not over till it's over and two steps forward, one step back. Until they are home in my arms I will not rest easy 100%. But they have not ceased to amaze me, and neither has my God. I look at my husband and smile, knowing that I get to share and live this life with him and our 4 amazing, beautiful, miraculous daughters. We are blessed and my heart is so happy!

Tomorrow is Delivery Day!!!

*** I wrote this and didn't get to post it because I was whisked down to labor and delivery to have my babies a day early!! So since it was written I decided i will post it anyway, even though the babies decided to arrive fashionably early :)

Well, we've just about made it! The original goal was to get to 32 weeks, and I knew a lot of Momo mom's don't make it that far but I always felt like I would and I thankfully did. Tomorrow is delivery day, on exactly 32 weeks. What a blessing to be here :)  Of course I wish I could safely carry them to full term for another month or two but that is not possible so this is a great case scenario in my situation. I am just so grateful for and fascinated by the process of my body making 2 babies!! As a woman it was very empowering for me after the birth of my first 2 daughters. Also just fascinating and wonderful what the body and our creator can do!!! Before pregnancy and motherhood I had was more concerned with self image issues, and afterwards while I still do sometimes feel a little flabby or what have you, I felt a new sense that what my body was created to do, it did, and I respect it and am thankful for it. The whole process is just amazing. And a little extra flab or sag here and there, while not fun to look at, is just a happy reminder of the blessing of carrying little lives and being able to be their sole source of nourishment. Just awesome.

So how did we finally decide on the big when? A pastor and a friend from my church came to visit me one morning last week and prayed with me for the Doctors to have wisdom to decide on the "right" delivery day etc, and minutes after they left one of my Doctors came in and told me they all agreed and felt strongly that 32 weeks should be the day. I felt as at peace with that as I think I can, and knew that's the decision because I prayed my heart would know and it did. I can't tell you what a relief it is just to KNOW when. I think nomatter what decision would have been made, in this situation you always wonder if it is the right one and you'll never know that. My nurses tonight all said that I've dropped, and paired with the monitoring strips from this weekend they wouldn't doubt if I had gone into labor on my own in the next week or two anyway. That wouldn't be ideal with Momo twins, but it is kind of a pointer that this is right. Now it is in God's hands and I am thankful for my faith! I am also SO very thankful for all of you who have prayed for and encouraged us. This blog is up to almost 2,700 views from all over the world and it is awesome both the friends and family I have praying and rooting for us, but also those I've never even met. I am humbled by you all and so grateful.

So, my C Section is scheduled for 10am on Tuesday unless someone emergent needs one before me. I am thankful my mom and James will be there by my side and share in that amazing moment. The nurse said most babies do cry at 32 weeks when they come out and I know MY tears will start rolling then too! I am not a crier and have not cried much in here but that will be such an emotional moment. I cannot wait to see their little faces, talk to them, touch them, and hold them. I can't wait to see what their cords look like either. Will they be horribly twisted? Braided? Knotted? Or somehow miraculously not? They are going to be so teeny! At my ultrasound this past Wednesday they said that the babies are approximately 3.8 and 3.9 pounds. I just wanted them to get over 3 pounds and they are which makes me really happy. God has been so good throughout this. I know he chose James and I, Abigail and Emma, and our families and so despite the stresses, what an honor to be 1 in 10,000! It still just blows my mind.

I AM HAVING BABIES TOMORROW!!! What a mix of emotions I feel! Extreme excitement, nervousness, fear, happiness, anticipation, relief and anything else you can imagine. I am so excited that next week at this time I will be at HOME my house and my bed, to sleep next to my husband, wake up to my beautiful big girls, to be outside whenever I want and enjoy fall weather, not get stuck with a needle 6-9 times a day! I am sad I have to leave the babies behind here, but also thankful that my body will be able to heal for a bit and not be taking care of all 4 kids all at once with a fresh incision. I also hear NICU babies get put on a schedule that is convenient when they come home so I am hoping that is true, that would be great!

I am nervous for the next chapter, when they will be in the NICU knowing what can go wrong, but I try to just give that nervousness to God and not stress myself out (which I tend to be quite good at!). I have heard a lot of great stories, and a lot of not so great ones. Recently, I just had a neighbor in here who had her babies a little before 32 weeks and they have been in the NICU doing well for 3 weeks now and one was set to come home today and then they found out he actually needs a blood transfusion and had stopped eating etc... I know I have to remember that with preemies it is most often 2 steps forward, 1 step back, but I just hope our girls don't have to go through much suffering through procedures and equipment etc... I just have to have FAITH and remember that it is in God's hands, they are His too, and no matter what there is nothing I can do but pray, keep the faith, and love those babies.  I will cherish the time I get to come in and just hold them and comfort them, take care of them, nurse them and be their mommy. I am grateful for the NICU nurses who will do their best to keep them healthy and alive! They will probably be in NICU for about a month if all goes well. I think at a certain point this will all seem like just a glimmer in time.

" Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2

If you are praying for us, again, THANK YOU! Please pray for safety through the surgery, healthy babies at birth and through their NICU stay, and for adjustments to life with NICU babies and then when we bring them home. Also, I just got a third round of steroid shots to help with the babies lung development. However, the steroids make your blood sugar shoot up for about a week. Since I have gestational diabetes, this is a bit of a problem. It makes my blood sugar high, and makes the babies' blood sugar high as well (called Hypergycemia). Their bodies make insulin too and they then feed off the placenta. Once they are born, they don't have that placenta anymore to help regulate them. They are at risk for low blood sugar (Hypoglycemia) and the will have to get blood sugar pricks and probably an IV to manage it. And the diabetes also means their lungs will have less development than  if I did not have diabetes. So this is something we are praying about as well.

Hopefully I find some time to post on here after they arrive. I cannot wait to see how "identical" they look!! It is going to be so fun through life to have identical twins. Well, here we go!!!!

*** Pictures compliments of my friend Courtney who came to capture me at almost my biggest!

Just a few belly pics, more to come!

And then a Little Sadness Snuck on In...

Well, it's happened...I'm 30 weeks and am starting to go a leeeeeeeettle bit batty in here. Most of my blogs have been positive but I am going to just write from the heart and shoot straight about how I am feeling this week, and that is not so peppy. 6 weeks in here and I guess it's not so bad if it's only happening now but I have 2 weeks to another month to go so I have to just think day by day. I think it is more not knowing exactly when the end will be and just wanting to know everything will be ok, but I cannot know that. One of my doctors is on vacation and will be back next week and then the group of doctors will make a decision about when we are delivering. It was originally 32 weeks but since my babies are doing so well and looking so good on the monitor, some are thinking they want to push it a little further but not go past 34 weeks. It is a mind game for everyone, with no true "right" decision because there is too much we don't know. I realize if I just GET to 32 weeks I am lucky and so that's the first goal.

All along I have remained so grateful, patient, and happy overall, and have known that this was given to me from God and He will be the driver, I am the passenger. But for the last few days, I've been really struggling to remember that. When I talked with one of my doctors today, he said that most of them are leaning towards a 32 week delivery but the head MFM doctor and the NICU doctor says 34 and no decision has been made. I opened up a bit about how I am starting to get really worried and am really confused myself as to what the right choice is. I asked him if it was his wife carrying his babies what he would do and he said probably 32 weeks. He told me that while they will all try to agree and make a decision next week, they will listen to what I say and ultimately it will be up to me. If I say 32 it's 32, if I say 34 it's 34. That is a HUGE decision that I feel such responsibility in and it is killing me. I am my babies' advocate. If I decide 34 weeks - because of less preemie risks like brain bleeds and deadly NEC, but the babies die inside of me from cord compression in between 32 and 34, I will feel responsible for the rest of my life for not delivering at 32. On the other hand if I decide 32 and they come out but struggle or die because of preemie complications, or have permanent problems for life, I will always question whether if I kept them in until 34 if they would have been ok. With the mortality rate rising by 11% each week past 32 I guess I lean towards getting them out, but when I read about all the things that can go wrong with preemies that young, I really freak out and think it might be better to go longer. People think that if the babies come out at 32 weeks and are doing well that everything is ok and that is not true. Things like NEC which is very deadly and a torturous death for the baby only present when the baby is up to 2-3 weeks old. We are not out of the woods until the babies come home. I have always known that this pregnancy comes with very real risks, complications, and tough decisions at the end, and now that the end is about here and I google my little heart out to try and better educate myself I AM GOING NUTS!!!!!

Today I went to Maternal Fetal Medicine for my weekly ultrasound to check the blood flow through the knotted cords. Everything looked good. I have made it to 30 weeks and that itself is worth doing the happy dance over. But for some reason when I am in that dark ultrasound room, looking at my babies, and looking at the tangled cords I just want to cry. The reality of what MonoMono means is in front of me, it's literally looking at life and death. Life in my precious babies hearts beating and little limbs moving, and death in the mess of the knotted cords. Tons of babies have died from what I am looking at, what is inside of me, and nobody can tell me that everything will be okay because we don't know. I have done great not often thinking about or dwelling on the negatives, but in reality there is a chance I could have to deliver stillborn babies, or have a preemie with a disability for life, or a baby or two that could die from complications after they are born. This is all real and while I choose not to think about it 95% of the time, I also don't want to be naieve. I trust in God, and I need to remember that. A friend texted me this morning that while she was praying for the babies she felt God say a reminder that these babies are not mine, they are His. I have told myself that all along and I need to reframe my thoughts to remember that. It is just all very scary and a lot to handle. I know it's not abnormal to be emotional in a time like this, and the nurses always comment on how positive I am compared to other inpatient women and joke about where I get my happy pills etc...but I've just had some down days. I trust in God and put my faith in Him and that is where my happiness and hope come from, but God cannot make the decision of when to take the babies, whether 32, 33, or 34. I have to. I can pray for guidance, but it all comes down to my decision and that is a lot of pressure when it is two innocent lives. In a way as long as they are 32 weeks I hope they just come on their own so nobody has to decide.

Here is an example of one of the many Momo studies that encourages 32 weeks, I've read tons of these, and some advocate 32 some 34:

RESULTS: Thirty-three pairs of monoamniotic twins were identified. Excluded were three women, who chose to terminate the pregnancy. Total survival rate was 60% (of 60 fetuses, 36 were born alive, but one neonate died due to sepsis). Two pairs of twins died after 32 weeks. In the 10 twin pairs who died in utero, cord entanglement was documented in eight (80%). There were two cases of twin discordance and two cases of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. One twin of the live-born group had congenital transposition of the great arteries. Furthermore, one of the hospitalized patients was delivered by means of an emergency cesarean section because of a non-reassuring non-stress test at 30 weeks.

CONCLUSIONS: Women with monoamniotic twin pregnancies should be advised about the very high mortality and morbidity rate. Early diagnosis, close in-hospital antenatal surveillance starting at fetal viability, and elective delivery at 32 weeks would reduce the antenatal mortality.

So you can imagine why my doctors and myself might feel a little stressed!!! What I do know, is I am already blessed with 2 perfect and healthy little girls who are waiting for me at home and just to have that I am already rich!

On a positive note, my 2 year old Abigail has finally all together stopped crying when she leaves me and that makes our goodbyes a lot easier to handle emotionally. She now calls the hospital "mommy's house", and she says, "Goodbye mom! See you next time!" and gives me hugs and kisses. Once she has said her goodbyes, I am not allowed to so much as hold her hand...in her mind she has separated from me and I can't even touch her! We have gone from prying her off of me while she is screaming, to this! My husband James says that she has become quite the independant, and has to do everything herself, including putting herself in her carseat. She always has been content to play by herself, but dependant on me for a lot at the same time. While in some aspects I am sad to be losing my baby and the bond we had, I also realize this is perfect in the fact that I will have two tiny babies to bring home and will appreciate the independance Abby now craves. The Good Lord knows what He's doing :)

I am also excited to report that this week they decided to try stopping the 3AM blood sugar check  - hooray for no middle of the night needles! That's about as exciting as it gets in here, and I am excited!!! Speaking of excitement, I also get an ensure shake at night now which is also quite thrilling because as a diabetic it is like a treat, and it beats the alternating chicken and tuna salad I was getting every other night. Try eating chicken or tuna salad every night for your only snack for 5 weeks straight, I guarantee gagging begins! If I see chicken or tuna salad anytime in the near future I will scream and run for the hills! I am not a meat eater as it is really, and I already order double meats with breakfast and lunch to help the babies grow. The dietician would like to see me gain some more weight than I have been, and who would have thought because all I really do is sit here and eat!

Well I hope my next post is sunnier :)  I will be working hard to just keep the faith and get back into the mindset I've been in all along. Today my babies are alive and WELL! I'm still loving getting food delivered to my bedside, someone doing my wash (thanks babe) and someone cleaning for me! I am really really excited that it won't be much longer until I get to go HOME sweet home, to my big comfy bed with my husband beside me, and be with my big girls all day :)

For my fellow MonoMono mommies who I know also face this decision, here is a great link I found to a WHOLE BUNCH of studies, that might help you and your doctors with the big decision:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?linkname=pubmed_pubmed&from_uid=15842206

And this website explains week by week preemies to you, I love this site and it really focuses on positive:
http://preemies.about.com/od/preemieagesandstages/ss/PrematureBabiesWeekbyWeek_6.htm

Halfway to the Finish Line!!!

I am 28 weeks today, yippeee! That's right, 7 months and my belly is a big'n folks! The waddling has begun! The "oh my goodness you've gotten big's" have begun! The "if I dropped something I might not be able to pick it up", has begun! I have been in the hospital one month, and if we can keep these babies in that means I am halfway done and just have one more month until delivery day! This first month flew by so fast! I can't believe I just do that again and then I will have 2 tiny miracle babies! Identical momo girls who made it! When I was admitted, the doctors told me that day, 24 weeks, was the first milestone because it meant the babies were viable. The next milestone they said, was reaching 28 weeks, and here we are so that is really exciting! 28 weeks is huge because if my babies are born anytime after now, they have a great chance for survival. The next and final goal is 32 weeks when the babies have a 99% chance of survival as preemies! This doesn't mean that they may not have disabilities of some kind, all preemies have these risks, but many 32 weekers live a completely normal life and that is exciting. I will get another round of steroid shots over the next 24 hours, and then a final round just before delivery at 32 weeks. If everything looks perfect from now until then they might consider letting me go a few more days but that is something that my doctors and perinatologists are in discussion over, the great debate! 34 weeks is the maximum any doctor will let a momo pregnancy go but most deliver before then because the morality rate rises each day beyond 32 weeks. However, 34 weekers have a lot less preemie risks than 32 weekers and need less help breathing. My doctor described it as a game of tug of war. At 24 -28 weeks you have wimpy preschoolers playing tug of war with the knotted cords. At 30-32 you now have college football players playing tug of war. Over the next few weeks the babies are getting bigger and stronger than ever in there and it becomes more and more risky the longer they are in there. At least getting them out means that there is more that can be controlled even if they are preemies. At least they are alive. I am choosing to trust God and my doctors on this decision because when I think about it I get overwhelmed with the decision. If we kept them in until 34 and they died everyone would wish we had gotten them out sooner. If we take them at 32 weeks and one struggles or has a complication as a preemie that is long lasting or deadly, we'd wonder if we should have kept them in longer. Like my doctor said, a momo pregnancy is all gray zone and you just have to make a decision.

As we get closer I get more emotional! Emotional as far as super excited, knowing that I love them already but once I lay eyes on them and touch and hold them I will fall hard and fast in deep baby love! I dream of that moment and can't believe it will be real very soon! Also emotional knowing we got to this point, they are still alive and my other kids are doing well all things considered too. And, emotional feeling some anxiety: about the C Section - mostly the recovery, the real potential of having an emergency C Section at any minute and not having anyone by my side especially my husband, having preemies and the challenges that could present, balancing life at home with my older girls and life in the NICU with the babies, and then adjustment once we bring the babies home with four kids under 5. But I am also excited to experience all these things as well. When I walk around the antipartum floor, there are often women down here who just had their babies and I hear the little baby crying in the room with them, and two days later they are gone, home with their new baby. I think that they don't realize how lucky they are! But I also think how blessed and grateful I am that I got to experience that normal birth story myself twice before. I think of my momo friends online who lost their babies and am grateful to just be walking around with mine doing so well.

Yesterday was a day of some good news and some bad news. During my morning monitoring session it was discovered that one of the babies has a heart arrythmia. This is an offbeat and sometimes is a sign of a greater problem and sometimes not. There is nothing they can or will do about it while I am pregnant, but once the baby is born they will get on top of it and decide what if anything needs to be done. It is not a huge concern at the time and is actually something that single babies can have as well. Occasionally it resolves itself on its own. That's what I am praying for! During my evening monitoring session however, I got some good news! The babies were not cooperating during the monitoring, they were moving all over and between that and my placenta laying in front of them the nurses just could not find the babies' heartbeats and keep them on the monitor (this happens more often than not with my little movers and shakers!) so they called for an ultrasound to come up and find where the babies were laying. They change positions a lot, for example on Friday they were stacked on top of each other laying sideways. Last night they were both head down and feet up. Anyway, the Dr. did a biophysical profile on the babies and it showed not only that everything looked good and there is plenty of amniotoc fluid around them, but it showed they are practicing breathing movements and at 28 weeks this is a great sign! They are strengthening their breathing muscles and respiratory system. Usually this doesn't happen until a little later but it is a sign of maturity and means a whole lot since we know they will be preemies. Babies do not actually breathe in the womb, they get oxygen through the placenta/umbilical cord (which in a mono mono pregnancy like this if the cords compress then the baby can't get oxygen) and when they are first born is when they take an actual first breath. But they do practice these breathing movements and you can see their chests and ribcages heave up and down, and that is what we saw. I was so excited!!!! Good news is always welcome but especially in this situation! Also my insulin has to keep being increased every few days which also is a sign the babies are growing and growing! I'm gonna go ahead and chalk my 10 pound weight gain over the last 2 weeks to the babies growing too haha!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" Psalm 139:13-14

Last Saturday, Baby A's heart rate was accelerated to almost 220 for 14 minutes. The normal heartrate for them is between 130 and 160! Were the cords compressed and that baby was in distress from lack of oxygen? Was the cord around her neck? Something else? We didn't know! All of a sudden there were 3 nurses in my room, ready to hook up an IV, and I was whisked down to labor and delivery where I was on a continuous monitor from lunch time to about 9pm. Everything looked fine throughout that time and luckily I got to come back up to my hospital room, home sweet away from home, and ever since there have only been small variables. I was lucky that I had a dear friend here with me which helped me not to panic during the whole tizzy of events, and she sat with me, brought me magazines to keep me busy throughout the time I was just in bed. God puts people in your path at just the right time sometimes! If the baby's heart rate hadn't gone down it might have meant an immediate emergency C Section and I would have been SO glad to have a friend there or I would have gone through it alone!!! That day was scary, but it was a wake up call for sure. It first of all was a reminder that THAT is why I am here! First of all to detect a baby in distress, and second of all if a baby needs to come out stat, I will go from chilling in my room to being in delivery within minutes to get my babies out safely. It was kind of like, "wow, it can happen that fast!!!" I am grateful they are still cookin'! I am also grateful I am not on a continuous monitor or total bedrest because after just 10 hours my back and behind were sure sore! The nurse told me that in my situation this is exactly how "it" might happen though...a red flag during a monitoring session and then minutes later I am in the delivery room having a C-section - no husband or anything. I am hoping that we make it to our scheduled day for the babies health but also so my husband can be there for the birth of our girls!

This last week was a week full of special events that being in the hospital kind of threw a wrench into or I could not attend and missed, but in the grand scheme of things is no big deal... Abigail turned 2 on the 11th, I had my birthday on the 16th, Emma turns 5 tomorrow, Emma had her first day of preschool, my cousin got married, and I missed the baby shower for my fellow best preggy who happens to be just a week ahead of me and is having a baby girl as well!

 I was really sad to miss the shower, the wedding, and to see Emma off to school. But we've made the best of the birthdays, celebrating in here, and I think it was memories in the making. Special people made my birthday special and it was a great day that I will always remember! I feel blessed to even be here to celebrate my girls' birthdays and I would rather be in here for all of those events and be out for trick or treating, Thanksgiving, and Christmas so I can't complain! Since Emma was in preschool before I wasn't as sad since I got to experience her first day of preschool before. I think it is cool her daddy got to do it this time around instead of being at work. And once again, I feel spoiled by the love and support and encouragement from so many!

For one of my birthday gifts, my mom gave me a frame with four openings and in each opening is each of my daughter's names and the meaning of the name with a verse. Looking at the names I've given my daughters - life from within me and made from the love of my husband and myself: Emma, Abigail, Ava, and Aubrey and thinking how blessed I am to have been given each child.

  "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them".

Psalms 127: 3-5

 

This quiver is complete! And I think about how all my life all I wanted to be was a wife and mother. I have an art teaching degree but I always knew I wanted to raise my children first. In my mind's eye, my adolescent and young adult dreams, I thought I knew exactly how it would go and that I would plan it just so. I never expected that my first pregnancy joys would be dashed by a miscarriage. I never planned on or thought I would have 4 children. I never expected to have a complicated pregnancy, be in the hospital like this, or have twins so rare they happen in only 1% of identical twin pregnancy. Last year at this time I didn't even plan to be pregnant this year at this time. Out of the last 5 Septembers, I have spent 3 right here in this very hospital for the birth of my 4 girls! My plans weren't the plans God had for me but isn't it cool to see what His plans are as they reveal themselves over time? To know that HE knows better than I know. To know I have been blessed with a quiver that I never thought I'd have?

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11





Not Much to Report, Let's Keep it That Way!

"What is your favorite thing in the whooooole world?" My almost 5 year old Emma asks my Dr. and each nurse when she comes into the hospital to visit me. When they tell her replies such as flowers, family, chocolate, a pet...Emma says, "Ok! Then I will draw you a picture of it and bring it back next time!" When she comes in each time to visit, and I swear she prances in here more beautiful than the last time I saw her, she brings me intricate drawings she has worked on for me while we are apart. Drawings of girls playing instruments like violins and tubas and flutes with musical notes, dressed up rabbits, happy pumpkins. She draws pictures of her and I hugging on the white board in my room. These things, in addition to some other things, are sweet reminders that she is still happy and still thinking of me, and understands that I am being taken care of by the nurses and doctors.

While Abigail still screams and cries for me down the hallways when we have to say goodbye, my tears are less over it and she is also showing signs of adjustment that make me feel more peace. She is becoming closer to her daddy, and recovers from her detachment of me quicker than at first. She talks to me on the phone more (she is talking more in general these last few weeks!). "Hi mom! I pwaying bocks! I make tower! I knock tower ober!" I feel like as she approaches her second birthday next week she is becoming more "kid" and less baby, but I am going to enjoy her as my baby while she still holds the baby spot! I'm sure once I hold my preemies Abby will feel like a giant and not a baby anymore! We have tried Skyping and while I was afraid that her seeing my face on the computer screen would be frustrating for her and make her upset, she actually loved it! We make silly faces at each other and she can point to mommy's nose, eyes, hair etc...just like she likes to do at home. I am now not allowed to lift or carry her, which she is not going to like, but at least I can hold her in my bed.

One of the things I am learning in here is that I can not always have control over everything, and even if things go differently than I would like, the world goes on just fine. I admit, I tend to boss my husband around and like to run the show my way. I fear change and I like my schedule to stay the way I like it. Interruptions give me anxiety! That goes for my children, my daily agenda, when my meals will come, how long I will be on the monitor, when appointments will be made for me, etc...I literally have no control! I admit I thought I would come in here and read a book front to back every few days, take long naps, learn a new hobby or two, watch all kinds of TV shows, and enjoy tasty desserts with every meal. With the monitoring, nurses coming in and out, phone calls and visitors my days fly by and I have only read about 5 pages of just one of the books I brought! A friend came in to teach me to crochet and I am failing miserably right now haha! You would never know I am an Art Teacher by degree if you looked at my sad single row of crochet knots! Hopefully I will figure it out so I can make some cute baby things! But a few days ago I had the epiphany that I don't need to feel pressured to read books while I can, or learn a new hobby while I can, or really do anything at all. This is the only time I can just have kid-less visits with friends and family where we can talk without interruption and I don't feel the need to clean the house before hand! There is no reason I should make myself feel guilty for literally accomplishing and doing NOTHING. Because when in my life will I ever again be confined to a room and have to do nothing?! There is no pressure and no responsibility on me and I can be a bump on a log while I have the chance!

Another thing I am learning is that so many of the people in my life who I knew were great people are even more amazing than I knew! My counter is chock full of flowers, decorations, cards galore, gifts and package goodies from close friends, family, friends from the past, aquaintaces, and even strangers who have heard about us and chose to take the time to encourage and pray for us, or send some cheer! Through these acts of love, through kind and supportive emails, visits, phone calls, and prayers, I am humbled and inspired by the kindness poured out upon us and me! I almost feel unworthy because I am not sick or dying, but it is cool how a sometimes trying time as this, which can bring fears and unknowns and new challenges, brings to light all the awesome blessings and people that surround me. I hope that I can be such an encouragment to others as they have been to me! I believe God has so many purposes through this situation and it is clear that one of them is to show me that I am more loved and not alone than I ever imagined! Thank you everyone! So many people keep saying my blog or my attitude are inspiring but it is actually these people who are in fact inspiring me with the time they have taken to uplift little old me!!! My husband actually has become quite the domestic, and has been doing adorable things such as taking the girls to the craft store to buy craft projects, buying Hello Kitty party items on his own (he took a picture of a Hello Kitty Microwave and admitted he kind of wants it haha!), and bringing me fall decorations for my room :) I've said I think I am becoming spoiled and didn't do anything to deserve it!!

Regarding the babies, they are doing well! I had my ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine today to check their growth (to check for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome) and cord blood flow. The babies are 2 pounds! This is a HUGE milestone and I am so happy! Although there are definite cord twist/knot areas, the cord blood flow looks great for now. They are busy little jumping beans and give these nurses a run for their money during monitoring sessions! I stare at my favorite ultrasound picture of them just in amazement that they exist and move and breathe inside of me, and dream of what their little faces will look like. I can't wait to share with them one day what miracles they are. I look forward to getting past the uncertainty of this pregnancy, delivery, and fragile NICU time, to when they will be safely here, growing, and healthy. I look forward to life becoming "normal" and settling into a routine. I look forward to getting to know each of them, despite the fact that they are identical, to love each of their own personalities. I look forward to them becoming part of the family and not just imaginary babies to Emma and Abigail. It is also exciting to know that Ava and Aubrey will complete our family, this is it, this is "us"! There will be no more babies after this, and to anticipate welcoming the final tiny members excites me. Through the craziness of having four kids under 5, I hope that I can savor those baby moments that I will never experience again. The pregnancy chapter of my life is closing forever and I am so grateful that it is something I was able to experience. That said, I am very fine with not being pregnant again!!

I've had bronchitis or something for the past week, and it has me up coughing all night and makes monitoring sessions more difficult. I can't wait to be over it, and it terrifies me to think I could have a bad cough while recovering from major abdominal surgery. Thanks to the coughing fits and lack of sleep, headaches are a constant and my lower stomach and back are not feeling too great! It worries me that I could pass something to preemies who can't breathe on their own and already have respiratory distress. I am just praying it goes away soon and it is another reason I just want the babies to stay in there until 32 weeks!!! Two weeks are down though, six to go, and each week gives the babies more strength and gives everyone more hope. I am a member of a few mono mono mom groups on facebook and it is encouraging to see all the stories with great outcomes, and pictures of beautifully healthy (and adorable) Momo twins. Occasionally someone posts that they have lost their babies and it makes me even more grateful to be feeling mine moving around with vigor! Two Momo mommies lost their babies this week on one of the groups I am in, and it is a reality check that the risks are real and I am blessed to feel my babies full of life inside of me! Just five and a half more weeks if I am lucky enough to make it that long without an emergent C Section. I feel like we are nearing the finish line! Thank you so much for your prayers!!!