Sunday, October 7, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
And then a Little Sadness Snuck on In...
Well, it's happened...I'm 30 weeks and am starting to go a leeeeeeeettle bit batty in here. Most of my blogs have been positive but I am going to just write from the heart and shoot straight about how I am feeling this week, and that is not so peppy. 6 weeks in here and I guess it's not so bad if it's only happening now but I have 2 weeks to another month to go so I have to just think day by day. I think it is more not knowing exactly when the end will be and just wanting to know everything will be ok, but I cannot know that. One of my doctors is on vacation and will be back next week and then the group of doctors will make a decision about when we are delivering. It was originally 32 weeks but since my babies are doing so well and looking so good on the monitor, some are thinking they want to push it a little further but not go past 34 weeks. It is a mind game for everyone, with no true "right" decision because there is too much we don't know. I realize if I just GET to 32 weeks I am lucky and so that's the first goal.
All along I have remained so grateful, patient, and happy overall, and have known that this was given to me from God and He will be the driver, I am the passenger. But for the last few days, I've been really struggling to remember that. When I talked with one of my doctors today, he said that most of them are leaning towards a 32 week delivery but the head MFM doctor and the NICU doctor says 34 and no decision has been made. I opened up a bit about how I am starting to get really worried and am really confused myself as to what the right choice is. I asked him if it was his wife carrying his babies what he would do and he said probably 32 weeks. He told me that while they will all try to agree and make a decision next week, they will listen to what I say and ultimately it will be up to me. If I say 32 it's 32, if I say 34 it's 34. That is a HUGE decision that I feel such responsibility in and it is killing me. I am my babies' advocate. If I decide 34 weeks - because of less preemie risks like brain bleeds and deadly NEC, but the babies die inside of me from cord compression in between 32 and 34, I will feel responsible for the rest of my life for not delivering at 32. On the other hand if I decide 32 and they come out but struggle or die because of preemie complications, or have permanent problems for life, I will always question whether if I kept them in until 34 if they would have been ok. With the mortality rate rising by 11% each week past 32 I guess I lean towards getting them out, but when I read about all the things that can go wrong with preemies that young, I really freak out and think it might be better to go longer. People think that if the babies come out at 32 weeks and are doing well that everything is ok and that is not true. Things like NEC which is very deadly and a torturous death for the baby only present when the baby is up to 2-3 weeks old. We are not out of the woods until the babies come home. I have always known that this pregnancy comes with very real risks, complications, and tough decisions at the end, and now that the end is about here and I google my little heart out to try and better educate myself I AM GOING NUTS!!!!!
Today I went to Maternal Fetal Medicine for my weekly ultrasound to check the blood flow through the knotted cords. Everything looked good. I have made it to 30 weeks and that itself is worth doing the happy dance over. But for some reason when I am in that dark ultrasound room, looking at my babies, and looking at the tangled cords I just want to cry. The reality of what MonoMono means is in front of me, it's literally looking at life and death. Life in my precious babies hearts beating and little limbs moving, and death in the mess of the knotted cords. Tons of babies have died from what I am looking at, what is inside of me, and nobody can tell me that everything will be okay because we don't know. I have done great not often thinking about or dwelling on the negatives, but in reality there is a chance I could have to deliver stillborn babies, or have a preemie with a disability for life, or a baby or two that could die from complications after they are born. This is all real and while I choose not to think about it 95% of the time, I also don't want to be naieve. I trust in God, and I need to remember that. A friend texted me this morning that while she was praying for the babies she felt God say a reminder that these babies are not mine, they are His. I have told myself that all along and I need to reframe my thoughts to remember that. It is just all very scary and a lot to handle. I know it's not abnormal to be emotional in a time like this, and the nurses always comment on how positive I am compared to other inpatient women and joke about where I get my happy pills etc...but I've just had some down days. I trust in God and put my faith in Him and that is where my happiness and hope come from, but God cannot make the decision of when to take the babies, whether 32, 33, or 34. I have to. I can pray for guidance, but it all comes down to my decision and that is a lot of pressure when it is two innocent lives. In a way as long as they are 32 weeks I hope they just come on their own so nobody has to decide.
Here is an example of one of the many Momo studies that encourages 32 weeks, I've read tons of these, and some advocate 32 some 34:
RESULTS: Thirty-three pairs of monoamniotic twins were identified. Excluded were three women, who chose to terminate the pregnancy. Total survival rate was 60% (of 60 fetuses, 36 were born alive, but one neonate died due to sepsis). Two pairs of twins died after 32 weeks. In the 10 twin pairs who died in utero, cord entanglement was documented in eight (80%). There were two cases of twin discordance and two cases of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. One twin of the live-born group had congenital transposition of the great arteries. Furthermore, one of the hospitalized patients was delivered by means of an emergency cesarean section because of a non-reassuring non-stress test at 30 weeks.
On a positive note, my 2 year old Abigail has finally all together stopped crying when she leaves me and that makes our goodbyes a lot easier to handle emotionally. She now calls the hospital "mommy's house", and she says, "Goodbye mom! See you next time!" and gives me hugs and kisses. Once she has said her goodbyes, I am not allowed to so much as hold her hand...in her mind she has separated from me and I can't even touch her! We have gone from prying her off of me while she is screaming, to this! My husband James says that she has become quite the independant, and has to do everything herself, including putting herself in her carseat. She always has been content to play by herself, but dependant on me for a lot at the same time. While in some aspects I am sad to be losing my baby and the bond we had, I also realize this is perfect in the fact that I will have two tiny babies to bring home and will appreciate the independance Abby now craves. The Good Lord knows what He's doing :)
I am also excited to report that this week they decided to try stopping the 3AM blood sugar check - hooray for no middle of the night needles! That's about as exciting as it gets in here, and I am excited!!! Speaking of excitement, I also get an ensure shake at night now which is also quite thrilling because as a diabetic it is like a treat, and it beats the alternating chicken and tuna salad I was getting every other night. Try eating chicken or tuna salad every night for your only snack for 5 weeks straight, I guarantee gagging begins! If I see chicken or tuna salad anytime in the near future I will scream and run for the hills! I am not a meat eater as it is really, and I already order double meats with breakfast and lunch to help the babies grow. The dietician would like to see me gain some more weight than I have been, and who would have thought because all I really do is sit here and eat!
Well I hope my next post is sunnier :) I will be working hard to just keep the faith and get back into the mindset I've been in all along. Today my babies are alive and WELL! I'm still loving getting food delivered to my bedside, someone doing my wash (thanks babe) and someone cleaning for me! I am really really excited that it won't be much longer until I get to go HOME sweet home, to my big comfy bed with my husband beside me, and be with my big girls all day :)
For my fellow MonoMono mommies who I know also face this decision, here is a great link I found to a WHOLE BUNCH of studies, that might help you and your doctors with the big decision:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?linkname=pubmed_pubmed&from_uid=15842206
And this website explains week by week preemies to you, I love this site and it really focuses on positive:
http://preemies.about.com/od/
All along I have remained so grateful, patient, and happy overall, and have known that this was given to me from God and He will be the driver, I am the passenger. But for the last few days, I've been really struggling to remember that. When I talked with one of my doctors today, he said that most of them are leaning towards a 32 week delivery but the head MFM doctor and the NICU doctor says 34 and no decision has been made. I opened up a bit about how I am starting to get really worried and am really confused myself as to what the right choice is. I asked him if it was his wife carrying his babies what he would do and he said probably 32 weeks. He told me that while they will all try to agree and make a decision next week, they will listen to what I say and ultimately it will be up to me. If I say 32 it's 32, if I say 34 it's 34. That is a HUGE decision that I feel such responsibility in and it is killing me. I am my babies' advocate. If I decide 34 weeks - because of less preemie risks like brain bleeds and deadly NEC, but the babies die inside of me from cord compression in between 32 and 34, I will feel responsible for the rest of my life for not delivering at 32. On the other hand if I decide 32 and they come out but struggle or die because of preemie complications, or have permanent problems for life, I will always question whether if I kept them in until 34 if they would have been ok. With the mortality rate rising by 11% each week past 32 I guess I lean towards getting them out, but when I read about all the things that can go wrong with preemies that young, I really freak out and think it might be better to go longer. People think that if the babies come out at 32 weeks and are doing well that everything is ok and that is not true. Things like NEC which is very deadly and a torturous death for the baby only present when the baby is up to 2-3 weeks old. We are not out of the woods until the babies come home. I have always known that this pregnancy comes with very real risks, complications, and tough decisions at the end, and now that the end is about here and I google my little heart out to try and better educate myself I AM GOING NUTS!!!!!
Today I went to Maternal Fetal Medicine for my weekly ultrasound to check the blood flow through the knotted cords. Everything looked good. I have made it to 30 weeks and that itself is worth doing the happy dance over. But for some reason when I am in that dark ultrasound room, looking at my babies, and looking at the tangled cords I just want to cry. The reality of what MonoMono means is in front of me, it's literally looking at life and death. Life in my precious babies hearts beating and little limbs moving, and death in the mess of the knotted cords. Tons of babies have died from what I am looking at, what is inside of me, and nobody can tell me that everything will be okay because we don't know. I have done great not often thinking about or dwelling on the negatives, but in reality there is a chance I could have to deliver stillborn babies, or have a preemie with a disability for life, or a baby or two that could die from complications after they are born. This is all real and while I choose not to think about it 95% of the time, I also don't want to be naieve. I trust in God, and I need to remember that. A friend texted me this morning that while she was praying for the babies she felt God say a reminder that these babies are not mine, they are His. I have told myself that all along and I need to reframe my thoughts to remember that. It is just all very scary and a lot to handle. I know it's not abnormal to be emotional in a time like this, and the nurses always comment on how positive I am compared to other inpatient women and joke about where I get my happy pills etc...but I've just had some down days. I trust in God and put my faith in Him and that is where my happiness and hope come from, but God cannot make the decision of when to take the babies, whether 32, 33, or 34. I have to. I can pray for guidance, but it all comes down to my decision and that is a lot of pressure when it is two innocent lives. In a way as long as they are 32 weeks I hope they just come on their own so nobody has to decide.
RESULTS: Thirty-three pairs of monoamniotic twins were identified. Excluded were three women, who chose to terminate the pregnancy. Total survival rate was 60% (of 60 fetuses, 36 were born alive, but one neonate died due to sepsis). Two pairs of twins died after 32 weeks. In the 10 twin pairs who died in utero, cord entanglement was documented in eight (80%). There were two cases of twin discordance and two cases of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. One twin of the live-born group had congenital transposition of the great arteries. Furthermore, one of the hospitalized patients was delivered by means of an emergency cesarean section because of a non-reassuring non-stress test at 30 weeks.
CONCLUSIONS: Women with monoamniotic twin pregnancies should be advised about the very high mortality and morbidity rate. Early diagnosis, close in-hospital antenatal surveillance starting at fetal viability, and elective delivery at 32 weeks would reduce the antenatal mortality.
So you can imagine why my doctors and myself might feel a little stressed!!! What I do know, is I am already blessed with 2 perfect and healthy little girls who are waiting for me at home and just to have that I am already rich!
On a positive note, my 2 year old Abigail has finally all together stopped crying when she leaves me and that makes our goodbyes a lot easier to handle emotionally. She now calls the hospital "mommy's house", and she says, "Goodbye mom! See you next time!" and gives me hugs and kisses. Once she has said her goodbyes, I am not allowed to so much as hold her hand...in her mind she has separated from me and I can't even touch her! We have gone from prying her off of me while she is screaming, to this! My husband James says that she has become quite the independant, and has to do everything herself, including putting herself in her carseat. She always has been content to play by herself, but dependant on me for a lot at the same time. While in some aspects I am sad to be losing my baby and the bond we had, I also realize this is perfect in the fact that I will have two tiny babies to bring home and will appreciate the independance Abby now craves. The Good Lord knows what He's doing :)
For my fellow MonoMono mommies who I know also face this decision, here is a great link I found to a WHOLE BUNCH of studies, that might help you and your doctors with the big decision:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?linkname=pubmed_pubmed&from_uid=15842206
And this website explains week by week preemies to you, I love this site and it really focuses on positive:
http://preemies.about.com/od/
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Halfway to the Finish Line!!!
I am 28 weeks today, yippeee! That's right, 7 months and my belly is a big'n folks! The waddling has begun! The "oh my goodness you've gotten big's" have begun! The "if I dropped something I might not be able to pick it up", has begun! I have been in the hospital one month, and if we can keep these babies in that means I am halfway done and just have one more month until delivery day! This first month flew by so fast! I can't believe I just do that again and then I will have 2 tiny miracle babies! Identical momo girls who made it! When I was admitted, the doctors told me that day, 24 weeks, was the first milestone because it meant the babies were viable. The next milestone they said, was reaching 28 weeks, and here we are so that is really exciting! 28 weeks is huge because if my babies are born anytime after now, they have a great chance for survival. The next and final goal is 32 weeks when the babies have a 99% chance of survival as preemies! This doesn't mean that they may not have disabilities of some kind, all preemies have these risks, but many 32 weekers live a completely normal life and that is exciting. I will get another round of steroid shots over the next 24 hours, and then a final round just before delivery at 32 weeks. If everything looks perfect from now until then they might consider letting me go a few more days but that is something that my doctors and perinatologists are in discussion over, the great debate! 34 weeks is the maximum any doctor will let a momo pregnancy go but most deliver before then because the morality rate rises each day beyond 32 weeks. However, 34 weekers have a lot less preemie risks than 32 weekers and need less help breathing. My doctor described it as a game of tug of war. At 24 -28 weeks you have wimpy preschoolers playing tug of war with the knotted cords. At 30-32 you now have college football players playing tug of war. Over the next few weeks the babies are getting bigger and stronger than ever in there and it becomes more and more risky the longer they are in there. At least getting them out means that there is more that can be controlled even if they are preemies. At least they are alive. I am choosing to trust God and my doctors on this decision because when I think about it I get overwhelmed with the decision. If we kept them in until 34 and they died everyone would wish we had gotten them out sooner. If we take them at 32 weeks and one struggles or has a complication as a preemie that is long lasting or deadly, we'd wonder if we should have kept them in longer. Like my doctor said, a momo pregnancy is all gray zone and you just have to make a decision.
As we get closer I get more emotional! Emotional as far as super excited, knowing that I love them already but once I lay eyes on them and touch and hold them I will fall hard and fast in deep baby love! I dream of that moment and can't believe it will be real very soon! Also emotional knowing we got to this point, they are still alive and my other kids are doing well all things considered too. And, emotional feeling some anxiety: about the C Section - mostly the recovery, the real potential of having an emergency C Section at any minute and not having anyone by my side especially my husband, having preemies and the challenges that could present, balancing life at home with my older girls and life in the NICU with the babies, and then adjustment once we bring the babies home with four kids under 5. But I am also excited to experience all these things as well. When I walk around the antipartum floor, there are often women down here who just had their babies and I hear the little baby crying in the room with them, and two days later they are gone, home with their new baby. I think that they don't realize how lucky they are! But I also think how blessed and grateful I am that I got to experience that normal birth story myself twice before. I think of my momo friends online who lost their babies and am grateful to just be walking around with mine doing so well.
Yesterday was a day of some good news and some bad news. During my morning monitoring session it was discovered that one of the babies has a heart arrythmia. This is an offbeat and sometimes is a sign of a greater problem and sometimes not. There is nothing they can or will do about it while I am pregnant, but once the baby is born they will get on top of it and decide what if anything needs to be done. It is not a huge concern at the time and is actually something that single babies can have as well. Occasionally it resolves itself on its own. That's what I am praying for! During my evening monitoring session however, I got some good news! The babies were not cooperating during the monitoring, they were moving all over and between that and my placenta laying in front of them the nurses just could not find the babies' heartbeats and keep them on the monitor (this happens more often than not with my little movers and shakers!) so they called for an ultrasound to come up and find where the babies were laying. They change positions a lot, for example on Friday they were stacked on top of each other laying sideways. Last night they were both head down and feet up. Anyway, the Dr. did a biophysical profile on the babies and it showed not only that everything looked good and there is plenty of amniotoc fluid around them, but it showed they are practicing breathing movements and at 28 weeks this is a great sign! They are strengthening their breathing muscles and respiratory system. Usually this doesn't happen until a little later but it is a sign of maturity and means a whole lot since we know they will be preemies. Babies do not actually breathe in the womb, they get oxygen through the placenta/umbilical cord (which in a mono mono pregnancy like this if the cords compress then the baby can't get oxygen) and when they are first born is when they take an actual first breath. But they do practice these breathing movements and you can see their chests and ribcages heave up and down, and that is what we saw. I was so excited!!!! Good news is always welcome but especially in this situation! Also my insulin has to keep being increased every few days which also is a sign the babies are growing and growing! I'm gonna go ahead and chalk my 10 pound weight gain over the last 2 weeks to the babies growing too haha!
Last Saturday, Baby A's heart rate was accelerated to almost 220 for 14 minutes. The normal heartrate for them is between 130 and 160! Were the cords compressed and that baby was in distress from lack of oxygen? Was the cord around her neck? Something else? We didn't know! All of a sudden there were 3 nurses in my room, ready to hook up an IV, and I was whisked down to labor and delivery where I was on a continuous monitor from lunch time to about 9pm. Everything looked fine throughout that time and luckily I got to come back up to my hospital room, home sweet away from home, and ever since there have only been small variables. I was lucky that I had a dear friend here with me which helped me not to panic during the whole tizzy of events, and she sat with me, brought me magazines to keep me busy throughout the time I was just in bed. God puts people in your path at just the right time sometimes! If the baby's heart rate hadn't gone down it might have meant an immediate emergency C Section and I would have been SO glad to have a friend there or I would have gone through it alone!!! That day was scary, but it was a wake up call for sure. It first of all was a reminder that THAT is why I am here! First of all to detect a baby in distress, and second of all if a baby needs to come out stat, I will go from chilling in my room to being in delivery within minutes to get my babies out safely. It was kind of like, "wow, it can happen that fast!!!" I am grateful they are still cookin'! I am also grateful I am not on a continuous monitor or total bedrest because after just 10 hours my back and behind were sure sore! The nurse told me that in my situation this is exactly how "it" might happen though...a red flag during a monitoring session and then minutes later I am in the delivery room having a C-section - no husband or anything. I am hoping that we make it to our scheduled day for the babies health but also so my husband can be there for the birth of our girls!
This last week was a week full of special events that being in the hospital kind of threw a wrench into or I could not attend and missed, but in the grand scheme of things is no big deal... Abigail turned 2 on the 11th, I had my birthday on the 16th, Emma turns 5 tomorrow, Emma had her first day of preschool, my cousin got married, and I missed the baby shower for my fellow best preggy who happens to be just a week ahead of me and is having a baby girl as well!
I was really sad to miss the shower, the wedding, and to see Emma off to school. But we've made the best of the birthdays, celebrating in here, and I think it was memories in the making. Special people made my birthday special and it was a great day that I will always remember! I feel blessed to even be here to celebrate my girls' birthdays and I would rather be in here for all of those events and be out for trick or treating, Thanksgiving, and Christmas so I can't complain! Since Emma was in preschool before I wasn't as sad since I got to experience her first day of preschool before. I think it is cool her daddy got to do it this time around instead of being at work. And once again, I feel spoiled by the love and support and encouragement from so many!
For one of my birthday gifts, my mom gave me a frame with four openings and in each opening is each of my daughter's names and the meaning of the name with a verse. Looking at the names I've given my daughters - life from within me and made from the love of my husband and myself: Emma, Abigail, Ava, and Aubrey and thinking how blessed I am to have been given each child.
As we get closer I get more emotional! Emotional as far as super excited, knowing that I love them already but once I lay eyes on them and touch and hold them I will fall hard and fast in deep baby love! I dream of that moment and can't believe it will be real very soon! Also emotional knowing we got to this point, they are still alive and my other kids are doing well all things considered too. And, emotional feeling some anxiety: about the C Section - mostly the recovery, the real potential of having an emergency C Section at any minute and not having anyone by my side especially my husband, having preemies and the challenges that could present, balancing life at home with my older girls and life in the NICU with the babies, and then adjustment once we bring the babies home with four kids under 5. But I am also excited to experience all these things as well. When I walk around the antipartum floor, there are often women down here who just had their babies and I hear the little baby crying in the room with them, and two days later they are gone, home with their new baby. I think that they don't realize how lucky they are! But I also think how blessed and grateful I am that I got to experience that normal birth story myself twice before. I think of my momo friends online who lost their babies and am grateful to just be walking around with mine doing so well.
Yesterday was a day of some good news and some bad news. During my morning monitoring session it was discovered that one of the babies has a heart arrythmia. This is an offbeat and sometimes is a sign of a greater problem and sometimes not. There is nothing they can or will do about it while I am pregnant, but once the baby is born they will get on top of it and decide what if anything needs to be done. It is not a huge concern at the time and is actually something that single babies can have as well. Occasionally it resolves itself on its own. That's what I am praying for! During my evening monitoring session however, I got some good news! The babies were not cooperating during the monitoring, they were moving all over and between that and my placenta laying in front of them the nurses just could not find the babies' heartbeats and keep them on the monitor (this happens more often than not with my little movers and shakers!) so they called for an ultrasound to come up and find where the babies were laying. They change positions a lot, for example on Friday they were stacked on top of each other laying sideways. Last night they were both head down and feet up. Anyway, the Dr. did a biophysical profile on the babies and it showed not only that everything looked good and there is plenty of amniotoc fluid around them, but it showed they are practicing breathing movements and at 28 weeks this is a great sign! They are strengthening their breathing muscles and respiratory system. Usually this doesn't happen until a little later but it is a sign of maturity and means a whole lot since we know they will be preemies. Babies do not actually breathe in the womb, they get oxygen through the placenta/umbilical cord (which in a mono mono pregnancy like this if the cords compress then the baby can't get oxygen) and when they are first born is when they take an actual first breath. But they do practice these breathing movements and you can see their chests and ribcages heave up and down, and that is what we saw. I was so excited!!!! Good news is always welcome but especially in this situation! Also my insulin has to keep being increased every few days which also is a sign the babies are growing and growing! I'm gonna go ahead and chalk my 10 pound weight gain over the last 2 weeks to the babies growing too haha!
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" Psalm 139:13-14
Last Saturday, Baby A's heart rate was accelerated to almost 220 for 14 minutes. The normal heartrate for them is between 130 and 160! Were the cords compressed and that baby was in distress from lack of oxygen? Was the cord around her neck? Something else? We didn't know! All of a sudden there were 3 nurses in my room, ready to hook up an IV, and I was whisked down to labor and delivery where I was on a continuous monitor from lunch time to about 9pm. Everything looked fine throughout that time and luckily I got to come back up to my hospital room, home sweet away from home, and ever since there have only been small variables. I was lucky that I had a dear friend here with me which helped me not to panic during the whole tizzy of events, and she sat with me, brought me magazines to keep me busy throughout the time I was just in bed. God puts people in your path at just the right time sometimes! If the baby's heart rate hadn't gone down it might have meant an immediate emergency C Section and I would have been SO glad to have a friend there or I would have gone through it alone!!! That day was scary, but it was a wake up call for sure. It first of all was a reminder that THAT is why I am here! First of all to detect a baby in distress, and second of all if a baby needs to come out stat, I will go from chilling in my room to being in delivery within minutes to get my babies out safely. It was kind of like, "wow, it can happen that fast!!!" I am grateful they are still cookin'! I am also grateful I am not on a continuous monitor or total bedrest because after just 10 hours my back and behind were sure sore! The nurse told me that in my situation this is exactly how "it" might happen though...a red flag during a monitoring session and then minutes later I am in the delivery room having a C-section - no husband or anything. I am hoping that we make it to our scheduled day for the babies health but also so my husband can be there for the birth of our girls!
This last week was a week full of special events that being in the hospital kind of threw a wrench into or I could not attend and missed, but in the grand scheme of things is no big deal... Abigail turned 2 on the 11th, I had my birthday on the 16th, Emma turns 5 tomorrow, Emma had her first day of preschool, my cousin got married, and I missed the baby shower for my fellow best preggy who happens to be just a week ahead of me and is having a baby girl as well!
I was really sad to miss the shower, the wedding, and to see Emma off to school. But we've made the best of the birthdays, celebrating in here, and I think it was memories in the making. Special people made my birthday special and it was a great day that I will always remember! I feel blessed to even be here to celebrate my girls' birthdays and I would rather be in here for all of those events and be out for trick or treating, Thanksgiving, and Christmas so I can't complain! Since Emma was in preschool before I wasn't as sad since I got to experience her first day of preschool before. I think it is cool her daddy got to do it this time around instead of being at work. And once again, I feel spoiled by the love and support and encouragement from so many!
For one of my birthday gifts, my mom gave me a frame with four openings and in each opening is each of my daughter's names and the meaning of the name with a verse. Looking at the names I've given my daughters - life from within me and made from the love of my husband and myself: Emma, Abigail, Ava, and Aubrey and thinking how blessed I am to have been given each child.
"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them".
Psalms 127: 3-5
This quiver is complete! And I think about how all my life all I wanted to be was a wife and mother. I have an art teaching degree but I always knew I wanted to raise my children first. In my mind's eye, my adolescent and young adult dreams, I thought I knew exactly how it would go and that I would plan it just so. I never expected that my first pregnancy joys would be dashed by a miscarriage. I never planned on or thought I would have 4 children. I never expected to have a complicated pregnancy, be in the hospital like this, or have twins so rare they happen in only 1% of identical twin pregnancy. Last year at this time I didn't even plan to be pregnant this year at this time. Out of the last 5 Septembers, I have spent 3 right here in this very hospital for the birth of my 4 girls! My plans weren't the plans God had for me but isn't it cool to see what His plans are as they reveal themselves over time? To know that HE knows better than I know. To know I have been blessed with a quiver that I never thought I'd have?
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Friday, September 7, 2012
Not Much to Report, Let's Keep it That Way!
"What is your favorite thing in the whooooole world?" My almost 5 year old Emma asks my Dr. and each nurse when she comes into the hospital to visit me. When they tell her replies such as flowers, family, chocolate, a pet...Emma says, "Ok! Then I will draw you a picture of it and bring it back next time!" When she comes in each time to visit, and I swear she prances in here more beautiful than the last time I saw her, she brings me intricate drawings she has worked on for me while we are apart. Drawings of girls playing instruments like violins and tubas and flutes with musical notes, dressed up rabbits, happy pumpkins. She draws pictures of her and I hugging on the white board in my room. These things, in addition to some other things, are sweet reminders that she is still happy and still thinking of me, and understands that I am being taken care of by the nurses and doctors.
While Abigail still screams and cries for me down the hallways when we have to say goodbye, my tears are less over it and she is also showing signs of adjustment that make me feel more peace. She is becoming closer to her daddy, and recovers from her detachment of me quicker than at first. She talks to me on the phone more (she is talking more in general these last few weeks!). "Hi mom! I pwaying bocks! I make tower! I knock tower ober!" I feel like as she approaches her second birthday next week she is becoming more "kid" and less baby, but I am going to enjoy her as my baby while she still holds the baby spot! I'm sure once I hold my preemies Abby will feel like a giant and not a baby anymore! We have tried Skyping and while I was afraid that her seeing my face on the computer screen would be frustrating for her and make her upset, she actually loved it! We make silly faces at each other and she can point to mommy's nose, eyes, hair etc...just like she likes to do at home. I am now not allowed to lift or carry her, which she is not going to like, but at least I can hold her in my bed.
One of the things I am learning in here is that I can not always have control over everything, and even if things go differently than I would like, the world goes on just fine. I admit, I tend to boss my husband around and like to run the show my way. I fear change and I like my schedule to stay the way I like it. Interruptions give me anxiety! That goes for my children, my daily agenda, when my meals will come, how long I will be on the monitor, when appointments will be made for me, etc...I literally have no control! I admit I thought I would come in here and read a book front to back every few days, take long naps, learn a new hobby or two, watch all kinds of TV shows, and enjoy tasty desserts with every meal. With the monitoring, nurses coming in and out, phone calls and visitors my days fly by and I have only read about 5 pages of just one of the books I brought! A friend came in to teach me to crochet and I am failing miserably right now haha! You would never know I am an Art Teacher by degree if you looked at my sad single row of crochet knots! Hopefully I will figure it out so I can make some cute baby things! But a few days ago I had the epiphany that I don't need to feel pressured to read books while I can, or learn a new hobby while I can, or really do anything at all. This is the only time I can just have kid-less visits with friends and family where we can talk without interruption and I don't feel the need to clean the house before hand! There is no reason I should make myself feel guilty for literally accomplishing and doing NOTHING. Because when in my life will I ever again be confined to a room and have to do nothing?! There is no pressure and no responsibility on me and I can be a bump on a log while I have the chance!
Another thing I am learning is that so many of the people in my life who I knew were great people are even more amazing than I knew! My counter is chock full of flowers, decorations, cards galore, gifts and package goodies from close friends, family, friends from the past, aquaintaces, and even strangers who have heard about us and chose to take the time to encourage and pray for us, or send some cheer! Through these acts of love, through kind and supportive emails, visits, phone calls, and prayers, I am humbled and inspired by the kindness poured out upon us and me! I almost feel unworthy because I am not sick or dying, but it is cool how a sometimes trying time as this, which can bring fears and unknowns and new challenges, brings to light all the awesome blessings and people that surround me. I hope that I can be such an encouragment to others as they have been to me! I believe God has so many purposes through this situation and it is clear that one of them is to show me that I am more loved and not alone than I ever imagined! Thank you everyone! So many people keep saying my blog or my attitude are inspiring but it is actually these people who are in fact inspiring me with the time they have taken to uplift little old me!!! My husband actually has become quite the domestic, and has been doing adorable things such as taking the girls to the craft store to buy craft projects, buying Hello Kitty party items on his own (he took a picture of a Hello Kitty Microwave and admitted he kind of wants it haha!), and bringing me fall decorations for my room :) I've said I think I am becoming spoiled and didn't do anything to deserve it!!
Regarding the babies, they are doing well! I had my ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine today to check their growth (to check for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome) and cord blood flow. The babies are 2 pounds! This is a HUGE milestone and I am so happy! Although there are definite cord twist/knot areas, the cord blood flow looks great for now. They are busy little jumping beans and give these nurses a run for their money during monitoring sessions! I stare at my favorite ultrasound picture of them just in amazement that they exist and move and breathe inside of me, and dream of what their little faces will look like. I can't wait to share with them one day what miracles they are. I look forward to getting past the uncertainty of this pregnancy, delivery, and fragile NICU time, to when they will be safely here, growing, and healthy. I look forward to life becoming "normal" and settling into a routine. I look forward to getting to know each of them, despite the fact that they are identical, to love each of their own personalities. I look forward to them becoming part of the family and not just imaginary babies to Emma and Abigail. It is also exciting to know that Ava and Aubrey will complete our family, this is it, this is "us"! There will be no more babies after this, and to anticipate welcoming the final tiny members excites me. Through the craziness of having four kids under 5, I hope that I can savor those baby moments that I will never experience again. The pregnancy chapter of my life is closing forever and I am so grateful that it is something I was able to experience. That said, I am very fine with not being pregnant again!!
I've had bronchitis or something for the past week, and it has me up coughing all night and makes monitoring sessions more difficult. I can't wait to be over it, and it terrifies me to think I could have a bad cough while recovering from major abdominal surgery. Thanks to the coughing fits and lack of sleep, headaches are a constant and my lower stomach and back are not feeling too great! It worries me that I could pass something to preemies who can't breathe on their own and already have respiratory distress. I am just praying it goes away soon and it is another reason I just want the babies to stay in there until 32 weeks!!! Two weeks are down though, six to go, and each week gives the babies more strength and gives everyone more hope. I am a member of a few mono mono mom groups on facebook and it is encouraging to see all the stories with great outcomes, and pictures of beautifully healthy (and adorable) Momo twins. Occasionally someone posts that they have lost their babies and it makes me even more grateful to be feeling mine moving around with vigor! Two Momo mommies lost their babies this week on one of the groups I am in, and it is a reality check that the risks are real and I am blessed to feel my babies full of life inside of me! Just five and a half more weeks if I am lucky enough to make it that long without an emergent C Section. I feel like we are nearing the finish line! Thank you so much for your prayers!!!
While Abigail still screams and cries for me down the hallways when we have to say goodbye, my tears are less over it and she is also showing signs of adjustment that make me feel more peace. She is becoming closer to her daddy, and recovers from her detachment of me quicker than at first. She talks to me on the phone more (she is talking more in general these last few weeks!). "Hi mom! I pwaying bocks! I make tower! I knock tower ober!" I feel like as she approaches her second birthday next week she is becoming more "kid" and less baby, but I am going to enjoy her as my baby while she still holds the baby spot! I'm sure once I hold my preemies Abby will feel like a giant and not a baby anymore! We have tried Skyping and while I was afraid that her seeing my face on the computer screen would be frustrating for her and make her upset, she actually loved it! We make silly faces at each other and she can point to mommy's nose, eyes, hair etc...just like she likes to do at home. I am now not allowed to lift or carry her, which she is not going to like, but at least I can hold her in my bed.
One of the things I am learning in here is that I can not always have control over everything, and even if things go differently than I would like, the world goes on just fine. I admit, I tend to boss my husband around and like to run the show my way. I fear change and I like my schedule to stay the way I like it. Interruptions give me anxiety! That goes for my children, my daily agenda, when my meals will come, how long I will be on the monitor, when appointments will be made for me, etc...I literally have no control! I admit I thought I would come in here and read a book front to back every few days, take long naps, learn a new hobby or two, watch all kinds of TV shows, and enjoy tasty desserts with every meal. With the monitoring, nurses coming in and out, phone calls and visitors my days fly by and I have only read about 5 pages of just one of the books I brought! A friend came in to teach me to crochet and I am failing miserably right now haha! You would never know I am an Art Teacher by degree if you looked at my sad single row of crochet knots! Hopefully I will figure it out so I can make some cute baby things! But a few days ago I had the epiphany that I don't need to feel pressured to read books while I can, or learn a new hobby while I can, or really do anything at all. This is the only time I can just have kid-less visits with friends and family where we can talk without interruption and I don't feel the need to clean the house before hand! There is no reason I should make myself feel guilty for literally accomplishing and doing NOTHING. Because when in my life will I ever again be confined to a room and have to do nothing?! There is no pressure and no responsibility on me and I can be a bump on a log while I have the chance!
Another thing I am learning is that so many of the people in my life who I knew were great people are even more amazing than I knew! My counter is chock full of flowers, decorations, cards galore, gifts and package goodies from close friends, family, friends from the past, aquaintaces, and even strangers who have heard about us and chose to take the time to encourage and pray for us, or send some cheer! Through these acts of love, through kind and supportive emails, visits, phone calls, and prayers, I am humbled and inspired by the kindness poured out upon us and me! I almost feel unworthy because I am not sick or dying, but it is cool how a sometimes trying time as this, which can bring fears and unknowns and new challenges, brings to light all the awesome blessings and people that surround me. I hope that I can be such an encouragment to others as they have been to me! I believe God has so many purposes through this situation and it is clear that one of them is to show me that I am more loved and not alone than I ever imagined! Thank you everyone! So many people keep saying my blog or my attitude are inspiring but it is actually these people who are in fact inspiring me with the time they have taken to uplift little old me!!! My husband actually has become quite the domestic, and has been doing adorable things such as taking the girls to the craft store to buy craft projects, buying Hello Kitty party items on his own (he took a picture of a Hello Kitty Microwave and admitted he kind of wants it haha!), and bringing me fall decorations for my room :) I've said I think I am becoming spoiled and didn't do anything to deserve it!!
Regarding the babies, they are doing well! I had my ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine today to check their growth (to check for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome) and cord blood flow. The babies are 2 pounds! This is a HUGE milestone and I am so happy! Although there are definite cord twist/knot areas, the cord blood flow looks great for now. They are busy little jumping beans and give these nurses a run for their money during monitoring sessions! I stare at my favorite ultrasound picture of them just in amazement that they exist and move and breathe inside of me, and dream of what their little faces will look like. I can't wait to share with them one day what miracles they are. I look forward to getting past the uncertainty of this pregnancy, delivery, and fragile NICU time, to when they will be safely here, growing, and healthy. I look forward to life becoming "normal" and settling into a routine. I look forward to getting to know each of them, despite the fact that they are identical, to love each of their own personalities. I look forward to them becoming part of the family and not just imaginary babies to Emma and Abigail. It is also exciting to know that Ava and Aubrey will complete our family, this is it, this is "us"! There will be no more babies after this, and to anticipate welcoming the final tiny members excites me. Through the craziness of having four kids under 5, I hope that I can savor those baby moments that I will never experience again. The pregnancy chapter of my life is closing forever and I am so grateful that it is something I was able to experience. That said, I am very fine with not being pregnant again!!
I've had bronchitis or something for the past week, and it has me up coughing all night and makes monitoring sessions more difficult. I can't wait to be over it, and it terrifies me to think I could have a bad cough while recovering from major abdominal surgery. Thanks to the coughing fits and lack of sleep, headaches are a constant and my lower stomach and back are not feeling too great! It worries me that I could pass something to preemies who can't breathe on their own and already have respiratory distress. I am just praying it goes away soon and it is another reason I just want the babies to stay in there until 32 weeks!!! Two weeks are down though, six to go, and each week gives the babies more strength and gives everyone more hope. I am a member of a few mono mono mom groups on facebook and it is encouraging to see all the stories with great outcomes, and pictures of beautifully healthy (and adorable) Momo twins. Occasionally someone posts that they have lost their babies and it makes me even more grateful to be feeling mine moving around with vigor! Two Momo mommies lost their babies this week on one of the groups I am in, and it is a reality check that the risks are real and I am blessed to feel my babies full of life inside of me! Just five and a half more weeks if I am lucky enough to make it that long without an emergent C Section. I feel like we are nearing the finish line! Thank you so much for your prayers!!!
Monday, August 27, 2012
1 Week Down, 7 to Go! Hospital Happenings...
When I woke up and opened my blinds yesterday morning, the helicopter was landing on the roof - which means that the person inside was in critical condition. When my daughters come to visit me, we sometimes go outside into the Healing Garden, which is outside of the cancer wing. These, and other things are just reminders that I am here for blessed LIFE while so many others are here fighting death. And not just my life, two precious new little lives! If I have to be in the hospital, what an awesome reason, right?! Eight weeks is nothing compared to a lifetime!! People who could walk yesterday will leave here never being able to again. Children will come to visit their mommy, maybe for the last time ever. Without this hospital monitoring, my sweet babies only have a 50% chance for survival, but with this monitoring, an 85%-90% chance!!! I am not only grateful to be here, but grateful for the reason I am here.
So I've crossed week one off the calendar and that feels good because it actually went quite fast! Like I said before, I don't get bored, and I don't get lonely, and I definitely didn't! I partly write this blog for fellow momo moms following behind me so they know what to expect and hopefully so they have a success story to read! That, plus the fact that people ask what I do in here, leads me to share with you my super exciting day :) I wake up around 8, get my insulin shots, eat breakfast and figure out my carbs for the day and order my meals for the next day (can I get an Amen for no cooking or cleaning?!) Next, after my blood sugar prick, I do my devotions, pray and check emails/keep myself updated on current news. I walk around my hamster wheel - I am only allowed to walk small circles around the antipartum floor unless I have a visitor with me to walk me elsewhere in the hospital. But the lady on complete bedrest with quads down the hall would probably love some hamster wheel time! I use my exercise bands and ball, all in an effort to not get blood clots because we all know I do not need one more issue! Then it is time for baby monitoring round #1. Monitoring is why I am here.
In monitoring sessions, they need to get a full 30 minutes of baby activity/heartrate accellerations and look out for decels etc...which never takes just 30 minutes because the babies - especially our busybee Aubrey - never stay still or in the same position. I have an anterior placenta, right smack in the front which complicates it too. More often than not, it's seeming they need to get an ultrasound in here to FIND the babies to monitor them because they are such little acrobats! I joke that the babies hear the velcrow of the straps and know it's coming and they start hiding. They literally sense the monitors and jump around like crazy when I am hooked up! So it's been up to 2 hours each monitoring session but it is cool to be able to hear the babies heartbeats and sneak peeks at them on the ultrasound machine. One of the things I love about being in here is feeling like I am getting to know the babies more and getting more excited for their arrival. Walking by the NICU and seeing an occasional teeny little foot in the air and knowing that is the goal is pretty cool. The hardest part is sitting still without moving that long while they monitor me, it's amazing how fast your back and bottom get sore, but there could come a time when I am on continuous monitoring which means allll day constant monitoring in the delivery room, so right now this is looking pretty good. So far the monitoring has all been good overall, with the exception of just a few decels which have all been on the same baby which is a little concerning but nothing major at this point because the baby always recovers. The Dr. said this is from the cord compression and they are expecting to see it, it is because they are MoMo, and that is why I am here. It can also be from a nuchal cord sometimes, or cord around the neck, which actually happens in 25% of all babies, not just Momo Twins. It helps to know that even when it is frustrating for the nurses and Dr's to not be able to get the babies on the monitor in a timely fashion, they are patient and do what it takes to make sure the babies are ok.
After monitoring, it's time for lunch and I usually have a visitor somewhere before or after lunch. After lunch is another blood sugar prick, more hamster wheel time, visitors, more monitoring if the morning session was unsuccessful, and a nap if my stubborn body lets me! Insulin shots round 2, followed by dinner, followed by hamster wheel, finger prick 3, and then monitoring session #2 - this evening's turned into an ultrasound at 9pm due to yet again uncooperative baby girls! Finally, a shower to get all that glorious ultrasound jelly off, and I must say that my bathroom is nicer than some hotel bathrooms I've been in although the shower pressure leaves much to be desired and makes me thoroughly miss and look forward to my shower at home. But the bathroom here, it's my own, I don't have to share it, it is stocked with fresh towels I don't have to wash, and am I ever grateful for that! A final insulin shot before bed, meds, and that's a day! With all the nurses coming in and out, with visitors and my girls coming in, it really does fly by!
Emotionally I am doing really well, but when the girls are here to visit and it comes time to say goodbye when they leave, it is rough on all of us. They cling to me and cry and I watch Abby screaming down the hall with her arms out screaming "Mommy!!!!" and I myself am crying as I walk back to my room. The nurses are all so understanding and never say "it's ok!" when it's really not, but they know it is really tough and acknowledge that. I always have tears in my eyes when I am on the phone with them, and little Abby sings "TwinkleTwinkle" to me or tells me, "I pwaying mommy", or "Mommy home soon?". When Emma tells me she misses me being out of the hospital and tries to understand when I will come home but she doesn't get it. She always asks if the babies are born yet, and tells me I am not allowed to have anymore babies so I never leave her again (not a problem kid, I agree!) I know they are in good hands but it is not easy being away!! I got to have Emma sleep over the other night along with James :) She was so happy and they wheeled a little bed in here for her, and just looking at her in her Hello Kitty Jammies made me smile.
She was so well behaved, and so kind and chatty with the nurses and cleaning ladies. We got to wake up together and eat breakfast together, and it felt good just to help her brush her teeth, do her hair, and have her and James here. She enjoyed participating in a monitoring session and was sure to tell her sisters to stay still, and to tell them how much she loves them.
I literally didn't sleep the first two nights, but that has improved enough to satisfy me. They do come in at 3am to prick me for blood sugar test, but they have graciously agreed to stop the 6am one and let me call them as soon as I am up! I must say having gestational diabetes (and it is definite that I indeed have it for the long haul, the rest of the pregnancy) it is a wake up call because this might mean I become a true diabetic one day (in most cases, gestational diabetes clears up after your pregnancy but returns later in life). My grandparents are all diabetic and I know it's a lot of needles and diet watching but now that I'm wearing those shoes it sure isn't fun. I am so hungry all the time and there is a refrigerator on the antipartum floor here fully stocked for patients will all kinds of glorious things I cannot have - chocolate milk, sandwiches, ice cream, italian ice, and cabinets with doritos, etc... My fingertips are sore from constant needles and makes it a little rough opening water bottles, typing this, etc...because they are sore. My arms are sore from the repetitive insulin shots. But the needles themselves aren't actually all that painful, and I know that they are keeping my babies and me in the health we need to be in. (Uncontrolled gestational diabetes is not only dangerous for me, but for the babies and especially as preemies because their lungs are at even greater risk) I can't say the 3am wake up to test my blood is a blast. The fact that I have gastroparesis complicates the diabetic diet because I have even further food restrictions. So I have to say that the whole diabetes thing was something I did not expect coming into this, and has probably been the hardest part besides when my girls leave crying and clinging to me. I am hoping that they adjust over time and that gets easier. At least I know they are being well cared for and loved.
And truly, so am I. Through those loving my children - my dad and mom along with my handsome husband James, my in laws, and sister wife Sara, through Dr's and nurses who are advocates for my babies (I have read about so many Momo mom's whose doctors told them to terminate their pregnancy since it was Mono Mono and considered too risky or not viable - I have never heard anything but hope and encouragement from every medical person I've been in contact with!), through my awesome friends and family. My cousin and her husband, along with my aunts have taken over caring for my grandmother so my mom can devote her time to my kids. My aunt sends me a little care box once a week to brighten my day. My girls draw me beautiful pictures and last night when Emma came to stay overnight she showered me with affection and wanted to rub my back and sing me a song before bed. My friends bring me fun surprises or spend time with me amidst their busy lives, and my mother in law brought me two cute little preemie outfits which hang in my closet here and make me smile. I have notes of encouragement, and am being honored with prayer and kind uplifting words by so many. My mom brings not only my girls in to see me, but wheels in a suitcase of fun things to keep them entertained while they are here. I had a friend give me a mini pedi before I came in here, and look forward to a friend teaching me to crochet cute things for my girls. I am so so humbled by the love I have been shown, and the support in all of this. It's awesome how God reveals his love and purposes.
I feel that the Lord gave me this situation, and gave me this time in the hospital for a purpose. I have enjoyed being able to drink a cup of coffee and have my breakfast and spend time praying and in His Word like I am not able to - or should I say I don't make time for - at home. The things I have been reading in my devotionals/Bible are just so spot on for this situation I am in and each day it is like it is written just for me, on that very day, and it's been really cool. My first full day here, as I was struggling with missing/leaving my kids a lot, I woke up and this was my devotional...and I'd like to say who says He doesn't speak today?!:
"Entrust your loved ones to Christ. Release them into His protective care. They are much safer with He than your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one, as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the fathers undisciplined emotions. God detests idolatry even in the form of parental love. When you release loved ones to Him, you are free to cling to His hand. As you entrust others into His care, He is free to shower blessings on THEM. His presence will go with them wherever they go, and He will give them rest. This same presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Him. Watch to see what He will do"
And the night of my arrival, I won't write out the whole thing, but the first sentence: "Trust Me, and don't be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust muscles."
It is also pretty cool to be able to watch whatever I want on TV! The nurses here have all been so so so kind and accomodating, and even the food servers and housekeeping staff have been nice and caring. Having no responsibilities for awhile needs to be looked at by me as a gift, because I have a lifetime of responsibilities ahead of me. I look forward to what I will learn about myself and others through this experience, and I hope that I can keep on smiling through it all and inspire someone else. Of course my babies don't have the best survival rate and of course I have to mentally prepare myself for that, that anything can happen, that I could deliver tomorrow, that my babies will be preemies and along with that comes risks - besides death, particularly brain bleeds and cerebral palsy. God already knows the plan He has for me, and for my babies, and for everyone along this journey with me - my other kids, my husband, my parents and anyone else helping with the kids, my medical staff, you blog followers - everyone! I have complete faith in the outcome, regardless of what it is, that in the end it will be good, and I will love my babies nomatter how they turn out. What an exciting way to come into the world. What a story to tell for years to come! We are all awaiting Aubrey and Ava's birth like nothing before!
I look forward to turning my calendar to September, and then to October and I can only hope I make it that far so my babies have the best possible chance to be "normal" and healthy. The Dr. was just in here and celebrated with me that they are now 25 weeks instead of 24 and that alone is huge. She has prepared me that 32 weeks is the goal but may very well not be the reality. They are such little miracles and I just want to do the best job at giving them the best chance. I look forward to Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas when I will be back at home with my big girls, but know then I will have new trials and face one of the most challenging chapters of my life. But like I said in the beginning...being in a hospital makes you truly thankful for just that - LIFE! There are people drinking dirty water in the world, starving, who would kill for a hot shower or a bed much less TV, electricity, etc... I am BLESSED :)
So I've crossed week one off the calendar and that feels good because it actually went quite fast! Like I said before, I don't get bored, and I don't get lonely, and I definitely didn't! I partly write this blog for fellow momo moms following behind me so they know what to expect and hopefully so they have a success story to read! That, plus the fact that people ask what I do in here, leads me to share with you my super exciting day :) I wake up around 8, get my insulin shots, eat breakfast and figure out my carbs for the day and order my meals for the next day (can I get an Amen for no cooking or cleaning?!) Next, after my blood sugar prick, I do my devotions, pray and check emails/keep myself updated on current news. I walk around my hamster wheel - I am only allowed to walk small circles around the antipartum floor unless I have a visitor with me to walk me elsewhere in the hospital. But the lady on complete bedrest with quads down the hall would probably love some hamster wheel time! I use my exercise bands and ball, all in an effort to not get blood clots because we all know I do not need one more issue! Then it is time for baby monitoring round #1. Monitoring is why I am here.
In monitoring sessions, they need to get a full 30 minutes of baby activity/heartrate accellerations and look out for decels etc...which never takes just 30 minutes because the babies - especially our busybee Aubrey - never stay still or in the same position. I have an anterior placenta, right smack in the front which complicates it too. More often than not, it's seeming they need to get an ultrasound in here to FIND the babies to monitor them because they are such little acrobats! I joke that the babies hear the velcrow of the straps and know it's coming and they start hiding. They literally sense the monitors and jump around like crazy when I am hooked up! So it's been up to 2 hours each monitoring session but it is cool to be able to hear the babies heartbeats and sneak peeks at them on the ultrasound machine. One of the things I love about being in here is feeling like I am getting to know the babies more and getting more excited for their arrival. Walking by the NICU and seeing an occasional teeny little foot in the air and knowing that is the goal is pretty cool. The hardest part is sitting still without moving that long while they monitor me, it's amazing how fast your back and bottom get sore, but there could come a time when I am on continuous monitoring which means allll day constant monitoring in the delivery room, so right now this is looking pretty good. So far the monitoring has all been good overall, with the exception of just a few decels which have all been on the same baby which is a little concerning but nothing major at this point because the baby always recovers. The Dr. said this is from the cord compression and they are expecting to see it, it is because they are MoMo, and that is why I am here. It can also be from a nuchal cord sometimes, or cord around the neck, which actually happens in 25% of all babies, not just Momo Twins. It helps to know that even when it is frustrating for the nurses and Dr's to not be able to get the babies on the monitor in a timely fashion, they are patient and do what it takes to make sure the babies are ok.
After monitoring, it's time for lunch and I usually have a visitor somewhere before or after lunch. After lunch is another blood sugar prick, more hamster wheel time, visitors, more monitoring if the morning session was unsuccessful, and a nap if my stubborn body lets me! Insulin shots round 2, followed by dinner, followed by hamster wheel, finger prick 3, and then monitoring session #2 - this evening's turned into an ultrasound at 9pm due to yet again uncooperative baby girls! Finally, a shower to get all that glorious ultrasound jelly off, and I must say that my bathroom is nicer than some hotel bathrooms I've been in although the shower pressure leaves much to be desired and makes me thoroughly miss and look forward to my shower at home. But the bathroom here, it's my own, I don't have to share it, it is stocked with fresh towels I don't have to wash, and am I ever grateful for that! A final insulin shot before bed, meds, and that's a day! With all the nurses coming in and out, with visitors and my girls coming in, it really does fly by!
Emotionally I am doing really well, but when the girls are here to visit and it comes time to say goodbye when they leave, it is rough on all of us. They cling to me and cry and I watch Abby screaming down the hall with her arms out screaming "Mommy!!!!" and I myself am crying as I walk back to my room. The nurses are all so understanding and never say "it's ok!" when it's really not, but they know it is really tough and acknowledge that. I always have tears in my eyes when I am on the phone with them, and little Abby sings "TwinkleTwinkle" to me or tells me, "I pwaying mommy", or "Mommy home soon?". When Emma tells me she misses me being out of the hospital and tries to understand when I will come home but she doesn't get it. She always asks if the babies are born yet, and tells me I am not allowed to have anymore babies so I never leave her again (not a problem kid, I agree!) I know they are in good hands but it is not easy being away!! I got to have Emma sleep over the other night along with James :) She was so happy and they wheeled a little bed in here for her, and just looking at her in her Hello Kitty Jammies made me smile.
She was so well behaved, and so kind and chatty with the nurses and cleaning ladies. We got to wake up together and eat breakfast together, and it felt good just to help her brush her teeth, do her hair, and have her and James here. She enjoyed participating in a monitoring session and was sure to tell her sisters to stay still, and to tell them how much she loves them.
And truly, so am I. Through those loving my children - my dad and mom along with my handsome husband James, my in laws, and sister wife Sara, through Dr's and nurses who are advocates for my babies (I have read about so many Momo mom's whose doctors told them to terminate their pregnancy since it was Mono Mono and considered too risky or not viable - I have never heard anything but hope and encouragement from every medical person I've been in contact with!), through my awesome friends and family. My cousin and her husband, along with my aunts have taken over caring for my grandmother so my mom can devote her time to my kids. My aunt sends me a little care box once a week to brighten my day. My girls draw me beautiful pictures and last night when Emma came to stay overnight she showered me with affection and wanted to rub my back and sing me a song before bed. My friends bring me fun surprises or spend time with me amidst their busy lives, and my mother in law brought me two cute little preemie outfits which hang in my closet here and make me smile. I have notes of encouragement, and am being honored with prayer and kind uplifting words by so many. My mom brings not only my girls in to see me, but wheels in a suitcase of fun things to keep them entertained while they are here. I had a friend give me a mini pedi before I came in here, and look forward to a friend teaching me to crochet cute things for my girls. I am so so humbled by the love I have been shown, and the support in all of this. It's awesome how God reveals his love and purposes.
I feel that the Lord gave me this situation, and gave me this time in the hospital for a purpose. I have enjoyed being able to drink a cup of coffee and have my breakfast and spend time praying and in His Word like I am not able to - or should I say I don't make time for - at home. The things I have been reading in my devotionals/Bible are just so spot on for this situation I am in and each day it is like it is written just for me, on that very day, and it's been really cool. My first full day here, as I was struggling with missing/leaving my kids a lot, I woke up and this was my devotional...and I'd like to say who says He doesn't speak today?!:
"Entrust your loved ones to Christ. Release them into His protective care. They are much safer with He than your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one, as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the fathers undisciplined emotions. God detests idolatry even in the form of parental love. When you release loved ones to Him, you are free to cling to His hand. As you entrust others into His care, He is free to shower blessings on THEM. His presence will go with them wherever they go, and He will give them rest. This same presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Him. Watch to see what He will do"
And the night of my arrival, I won't write out the whole thing, but the first sentence: "Trust Me, and don't be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust muscles."
It is also pretty cool to be able to watch whatever I want on TV! The nurses here have all been so so so kind and accomodating, and even the food servers and housekeeping staff have been nice and caring. Having no responsibilities for awhile needs to be looked at by me as a gift, because I have a lifetime of responsibilities ahead of me. I look forward to what I will learn about myself and others through this experience, and I hope that I can keep on smiling through it all and inspire someone else. Of course my babies don't have the best survival rate and of course I have to mentally prepare myself for that, that anything can happen, that I could deliver tomorrow, that my babies will be preemies and along with that comes risks - besides death, particularly brain bleeds and cerebral palsy. God already knows the plan He has for me, and for my babies, and for everyone along this journey with me - my other kids, my husband, my parents and anyone else helping with the kids, my medical staff, you blog followers - everyone! I have complete faith in the outcome, regardless of what it is, that in the end it will be good, and I will love my babies nomatter how they turn out. What an exciting way to come into the world. What a story to tell for years to come! We are all awaiting Aubrey and Ava's birth like nothing before!
I look forward to turning my calendar to September, and then to October and I can only hope I make it that far so my babies have the best possible chance to be "normal" and healthy. The Dr. was just in here and celebrated with me that they are now 25 weeks instead of 24 and that alone is huge. She has prepared me that 32 weeks is the goal but may very well not be the reality. They are such little miracles and I just want to do the best job at giving them the best chance. I look forward to Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas when I will be back at home with my big girls, but know then I will have new trials and face one of the most challenging chapters of my life. But like I said in the beginning...being in a hospital makes you truly thankful for just that - LIFE! There are people drinking dirty water in the world, starving, who would kill for a hot shower or a bed much less TV, electricity, etc... I am BLESSED :)
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
A Pain in the Gut, A Pain in the Butt, and Other Tales from the Hospital Bed
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Well, here I am! The day has arrived and I am now in the hospital for the next two months plus, and my babies are viable and in the best care!!! Hooray! Leaving my girls was perhaps the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I know that they are in the best hands possible. Mommom and Poppop's house has more fun toys than our house does, Mommom has the worlds greatest imagination and sits and plays with the girls better than I even can, Poppop gets belly laughs out of Abigail, and I think that they will grow a great bond staying there. No child should have to be separated from their mommy for this long, but if there is any woman who has to be in the hospital this long, I can see in some ways why God chose me!
One, for the reason I just stated: My girls are in THE BEST hands, they have a great place to go. They have a pretty room of their own at my parent's house and love going there. When we were deciding on our last "family fun day" last week, we threw ideas out to Emma such as the zoo, Knoebles, Blue Marsh Beach, etc...and Emma said, "Or we could go to Mommom's house!" And this makes me feel so good to know that it ranks up there with amusement parks and such! Furthermore, my mom has the support on weekends of other people who love my children so much and will do their best to make them smile. They will go to Grammy and Bill's some weekends, where Abby loves to feed the fish in the pond (so much so that she "went swimming" with them the first time - I think she learned her lesson!), and Em loves to shop and dance with Grammy. My INCREDIBLE friend Sara will take them other times and Emma loves to play with her kids John and Elina, and I am honored to have them in the presence of one of the worlds kindest, loving women. Sara, who has 3 kids of her own, offered to take my kids the whole 2 months! That is sacrifice! I am so thankful for her for so many reasons. Then we have SO many other family members and friends who have offered their help and support, and if you are one of them THANK YOU!!!
Some women in my position might have not had willing or able family and had no other option than to send their kids to daycare or with someone their kids are highly uncomfortable with...I am so blessed to not be in such a position and have family helping. I will miss my kids dearly, but will worry about them little. We could use prayers for little Abby, who is quite the momma's baby and does not do well with anyone other than James and I except my mom and dad. I pray that through this experience she finds security and builds relationships with others and can find comfort and maybe even fun in them. She fortunately has her sister Emma with her too. My mom has generously offered to keep Abby all the time if being with others is just too much for her. After all, while it is a great opportunity to bond to others, she is not quite 2 years old and her mommy has been taken away from her and her whole world turned upside down...now is not the time to force her to be unhappy. I do think a positive to it all is that some of that momma's baby syndrome will cool down just in time for 2 more babies to need me.
The second reason I am "good" for this, besides wonderful family and friends to care for my girls, is that I am innately someone who does not get bored or lonely. The thought of being confined to a hospital room for 2 months never ever worried me in the sense of going crazy bored or lonely. I enjoy time alone, and while I will miss my girls, I will choose to savor the quietness as I will never have this much alone time again!!!! I am an introverted person. I also am quite content just watching TV, reading, crafting, etc...and I very rarely if ever get to do these things, so I will savor that as well! Besides, if the rest of the days go like today did, I will have nurses and doctors in my room multiple times an hour anyway! Can a girl get 10 minutes in the bathroom with her one ply sandpaper toilet paper without interruption? Apparently not so hahaha! People have asked if I can have visitors, and the answer is yes! Visiting hours are 11-8 for those who have asked, and you are welcome to visit. You just may want to text or call me first, as I have frequent monitoring, ultrasounds, other visitors and hope to scrape together some time for naps if I can get an uninterrupted hour or two between all this hospital hub bub! That being said, don't feel that you have to interrupt your own busy life to come see me, like I said, I really don't get lonely!
Which brings me to today, or actually yesterday now since it is the middle of the night. I held it together pretty well the last few days and today, cried tears of course, but I got most of it out last week when I sobbed the whole way home from my doctor appointment because all of a sudden it all got so real. I have been able to remain so positive and so strong throughout this journey so far (Only cried maybe 2 times?!) but this has been a tough week emotionally for me. Any time I looked at my girls, and in moments that I took for granted before (like peeking it at my daughters before I go to bed, staring at them fast asleep and sneaking one last kiss for the night) that I knew I would not be privy to for so long, made me so so sad. It is not totally a secret that I struggle with anxiety and so my mind goes places such as, "what if there is a complication with me during my c-section and I don't come back etc..." or "what if I go away from my big girls and my babies don't make it, one or both, anyway?" I am quick to remind myself God gave me these exact babies, this exact situation, and I have been able to ride on faith and shove those thoughts away quickly. I have been so happy that my anxiety has remained super in check through all of this!
This morning Emma just wanted me to hold her and kept saying she would miss me so much, and she cried a little, but when I actually left to come to the hospital she just hugged me a lot and didn't cry. Abby has no clue what is going on, or that I won't be back, so I think her tears will be saved for when she comes to visit and then has to leave without me. James and I had a "last supper" at Austins and then I wheeled my two suitcases into the hospital. I was SO SO happy to have him by my side as I left the girls, checked in, and on the first day here which I assume will be the roughest emotionally. I was pleasantly surprised by my room, I have a large window and can see trees which thoroughly excites me as I will mostly miss the change of the leaves as summer turns to fall. It is fairly quiet, and I can't complain about having a room of my own that NOBODY CAN MESS UP!!! I will live in cleanliness woo hoo!!! No dishes, no wash, no housework, no cooking, and someone brings me food I order. Yep, there are positives to this my friends! I posted pictures on the wall of my girls and James, and I have my stack of books, magazines (thanks to my sister in law and friend!), Bible, Notebook, and TV. Not exactly home sweet home, but knowing that my unborn babies are being taken care of is such a relief. I will live for visits from my hubby and girls, and for getting to see my babies on the ultrasound screen, knowing they are doing well.
I will take a minute to say what has NOT been so pleasant so far ...and now I'm going to be a little Susie Sourpuss, excuse me. Of course it is all worth it and of course I am grateful for so much but this blog is about my journey: the good, bad, ugly, and honest and so I am choosing to share some of my not so sunny feelings now and then! Besides, what is true growth without some struggle? Part of the title of this blog is Pain in the Butt...well, I had to get my first dose of steroid shots in the you-know-where today to help develop the babies lungs. I was admitted today, at 24 weeks, because that is considered Viability - we made it!! My babies could be born tomorrow if something is found to not look right on the monitoring strips that they run daily, and so at the risk of having micro preemies, they will give me a steroid shot today, tomorrow, and then another set right before my CSection which will hopefully be at 32 weeks and no earlier. The shot itself didn't hurt but the after effects sure did!!! I don't mind the pain much but I just freak myself out before hand! However, what a blessing to live in this country in this year and be able to get a simple shot to help my preemies breathe! The steroid shots will also help to prevent brain bleeds and digestive disorders in the babies.
The next con would be that it is 2am and I can't sleep, surprise surprise! I even took a unisom but not only is the bed small and not comfortable, my mind is so full and I have stomach pain (Pain in the Gut, the other part of the title which I'll get to after a bit). I will be woken up each morning by 7, despite trying to fight this...why wake a pregnant insomniac so early when she finally has the chance to not be woken by two little curly haired angels yelling, "wake up seepy head! Mommy get dressed! Get out of bed!"? (For the record, that means I would much rather wake to my beautiful girls at 9am but I guess in a sense I am waking FOR my other two girls :) Well, I won the battle of residents making their rounds between 6 and 7am, they agreed to come later and not wake me up so early so I was happy about that. BUT, then when I got my finger prick to check my blood sugar tonight it was sky high. Soooo I got another finger prick, and then another. Still high. By the third one it had gone down a bit, but not only does being pregnant with multiples greatly increase your odds of gestational diabetes, the steroid shot also elevates your blood sugar. ANNNDDD this girl didn't know they would be checking my blood sugar tonight, so my day consisted of some leftover baby shower cake that was out of this WORLD after breakfast, and then a "last supper" binge of sorts on Crab alfredo, chicken fingers, and baked apples at Austins. Tack on the coconut cake they brought with my dinner plate tonight and yeah, it's gonna be high. The steroid shot elevates your blood sugar but she said it would not elevate it that fast. So I will be getting my pinpricks a couple times a day to monitor my sugar, and insulin shots just in my arm before meals to steady my sugars. A dietician will come in and help me with a diabetic diet. In 2 weeks once the steroids wear off I will get my glucose bloodwork to check for 100% tride and true gestational diabetes, and I am praying I don't have it...but with all my grandparents having diabetes and the multiple pregnancy adding to the risk who knows.
To complicate that, we move onto "A Pain in the Gut". If you were wondering how to pray for me, boy am I making your head spin, huh? Well, the day I found out I was having twins, I first had an appointment at the Gasteoentorogist. Before I knew I was pregnant, and since about December of last year, I had been having gagging sensations, some swallowing issues, stomach pain in my upper stomach, and some nausea among other symtoms. At first I thought it might be related to my lack of sleep from insomnia...my sleep studies showed I wake 32 times an hour from apnea blurps, restless leg syndrome, and my anxiety does not help with falling asleep. (Am I 90 or 30?) But my regular Dr. decided to schedule a barium swallow x ray series to see what was wrong digestively. Praise the Lord I decided to take a pregnancy test days before this x ray because pregnant women cannot get x rays or drink barium! My babies were spared! However, the pain just got worse as my pregnancy sickness began and my body was being pumped with progesterone. I landed in the ER on the way back from the beach in April with what was guessed to be stomach ulcers and an H.Pylori infection - I literally thought I was dying the pain was so bad! They recommended I see a specialist. So I had my visit to the Gastroentologist, who diagnosed me with a rare stomach condition called Gastroparesis, not stomach ulcers. This disease is most often caused by diabetes, but can also be brought on by stomach viruses. We had 2 rounds of bad stomach virus in our house right around when my pain began. And let me get back to the irony of THAT in another blog. The cure for this painful disease? NONE. The treatment however, is eating small amounts and a low fat, low fiber diet with no raw vegetables, very little fruits and veggies in general, no whole grains, basically a very unhealthy diet for anyone, especially someone pregnant with twins. So I tried the diet, it didn't help much but I did find trigger foods like salad, apples, broccoli, etc...that I had been eating a lot of, made it worse. They referred me to a nutritionist. The nutritionist told me she had never seen this and honestly didn't know much to tell me. She scolded me for only gaining 12 pounds (HELLO I was vomiting my whole first 4 months and eating a lot hurts my stomach!!!) She told me that a snack for me should be a McDonalds burger and add a glass of milk to that. She told me to eat 3100 calories and that I need to get my weight up, which is now quite up! Everything seemed contradictary to what the Gastroentologist told me. NOW I have to go on a diabetic diet. And yes, I have stomach pain tonight from all the food I ate today but it sure was delicious at the time! So this is the "Pain in the Gut", and it is a never ending battle. Once I have the babies I can get proper testing and hopefully some relief. I just hope that through it as I control my pain and bloodsugar levels, my babies get all the nourishment they need.
So, there are pro's, there are con's, and I am going to choose to dwell on the pro's and make the best of it. After all, I bet in a couple months I would give anything for a day in bed by myself with free reign of time and the remote, someone cleaning and cooking for me, and so I need to enjoy it now!!!!Being in here makes me more excited to meet my twins, and to focus on them and getting them here healthy. They seem more "real" now! It is crazy to think they could be born at any time, and scary to think that if they are born sooner than later that there are so many risks. Next time I walk into my home I will have 4 kids!! I cannot wait to meet and look at and touch my babies!!! I believe God chose me for this and will carry me through anything though. I am in good hands, everyone has been so kind. I have great memories from the last weeks to carry me through. My husband surprising me with an overnight getaway to the beach where he replaced my lost wedding rings...Watching my girls grin huge grins on the rides at Knoebles...A date with just my mom...Dinner with my brother, sister in law, and parents at Beverly Hills Tavern...A fun pool day with my in laws...And a surprise baby shower Sunday night with best friends, old friends and new friends, and some family.
I apologize my blog has not been so frequent...now that I am here with no responsibilities I will keep it more up to date and I hope to be reporting wonderful news! I have an ultrasound to look forward to tomorrow between monitorings (yay for seeing my babies!), and hopefully I can score a nap with no interruptions and my body lets me sleep! I can't wait for my big girls to come visit me tomorrow!!
Again, thank you all SO VERY MUCH for your prayers and encouragement. I am one lucky gal. Pain in the butt, gut, and all :)
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Isn't it Ironic...Don'tcha Think?
What a rollercoaster ride! As I walked out of the doctors office today and strolled up the hall, blaring over the speakers above me was Alanis Morissette's song "Isn't it Ironic", and it was like I was in a music video of my life right now!!! Everything about this pregnancy has been rare, shocking, scary, and indeed IRONIC! Today we found out that our "boys" are most likely actually girls! Since I have had so many ultrasounds, I got to find out early. At two separate offices at 14 and 16 weeks, two different techs said boy each time. I didn't go shopping to buy blue, or take it as a definite after the first one because I knew it was early. Then, after the second one I allowed myself a fun little trip to Carter's to buy adorable matching boy outfits. We named them Cole and Micah, and that is who they became. It seems there is no Cole and Micah, and that is sad. Not that having girls is devastating by any means - the most important thing is that they are healthy and that God gave them to us and we love them so so much already. They are true and total blessings regardless of their sex. It is just getting in a new mindset and saying farewell to what we had been dreaming about the future for them, assuming they were boys!
That being said, not only am I so in love with them, I am so excited about the thought of pink pink pink :) I am excited for all that girlyness because I am in fact a girly girl! I love crafts, make up, clothing, cooking, baking, girly shows and movies, and such and now I have 2 more daughters to share these things with. My best friend from way back in the day coincidentally is 18 weeks pregnant just like me (and you know we weren't planning this because we weren't trying), and she just found out she is having a girl so I am excited to raise our girls together. When I had been shopping for a little girl outfit for her last week, I was feeling a little sad that I would never have a girl to dress up in teeny tiny frilly things again. Just this morning I was looking at my Abigail's tiny painted toenails and thinking how I love having girls! Yesterday I made zucchini bread with Emma and Abigail and smiled to myself knowing I have baking buddies for life...now I will have 2 more! Me gaining baking buddies and more girls to dress up means James being even more outnumbered. It means the perfect balance of boys to girls is gone, but this is the perfect family God has chosen for us - 5 girls, one dad :) This is what makes me sad for him, but I know that he is an amazing daddy to little girls! I just wished for him to be able to have sons for life and thinking he got that and then having it taken away is a bit of an adjustment.
In less than 6 weeks I will be wheeling my overstuffed suitcase into the hospital and checking in for my 8 weeks of bedrest and monitoring. There is both relief in this and utter sadness for me in this. Relief, because I will know that my unborn babies are under strict surveillance. Their heartrates and the bloodflow through their tangled cords will be monitored so that if there is any problem they will have the best possible chance of getting out as soon as possible. For now, being out of the hospital, it is in the back of my mind that at any minute with the wrong movement in there, the cords which are tangled could compress and the babies could die. Whenever I don't feel movement I tell myself they are fine because I have chosen faith and positivity, but know it is a real possibility that they are not ok. In that aspect, being in the hospital will be comforting. That is about where the comfort will end however. I could care less about my own comfort. I do not worry at all about being bored or lonely. What I worry about is that the babies inside of me make it to their 32 week delivery safe, sound, and healthy, and for my two daughters who I have to leave behind for 2 months. I feel like especially in my one year old I will miss so much "new stuff" she says and does. She is such a mommy's baby, and she is too little to explain this all to and it will be so hard on her having to be away from me so much. Emma is going to miss me, but she is excited about sleeping at mommom's house and other places. She knows babies are coming and that is why I am going in the hospital. I can communicate with her and make her feel secure that I am coming back.
It's funny what it takes sometimes to make you truly, humbly appreciate things. This situation and knowing I will be away from my family for 2 months, makes me that much more appreciate RIGHT NOW and not sweat the small stuff. Appreciate every morning when my girls run into my bedroom to wake me up with giant smiles and a loud, "MOMMYYYY!" (although this is not as appreciated at 5:30 am as it is at 8am). Appreciate every kiss I get, every snuggle and hand hold. Appreciate each new word Abby says that I get to witness, and each creative drawing Emma makes just for me. Appreciate each family dinner, sitting next to my husband on our couch watching TV at night, and snuggling in bed on his mornings off. Appreciate evening walks, tucking in sweeties in jammies, and cooking in my kitchen. The other night after Abby was in bed and James fell asleep in the living room, Emma and I walked hand in hand around the block in our jammies in the dark and talked. Today at the playground she was her social friendly little self and walked up to two older girls and said, "Hi I'm Emma can I play with you? Would you like to play with one of the ponies I brought or share my basketball?" The other day she learned to ride her bike. I will miss these moments that are so easily taken for granted. Saying prayers with Abby last night, I thanked Jesus for her and Emma, for daddy, for a cozy bed, etc...and she, with her little eyes squeezed closed, piped in: "bugs! moon! blankie!" (those are what she is thankful for in that moment). It's only two months I will be away from them, but these are moments I am cherishing now because I know that for two months I won't have them every day. When I bring the babies home, in the busyness and newness of it all I might miss some things just because I will be splitting my time between 4 instead of 2. THE PRESENT IS A PRESENT. I've heard it before and liked it a lot, but it rings so so true right now!
I presently have an amazing and hardworking husband, incredible daughters, and two more miracle baby girls on the way - and right now those baby girls are healthy and growing well. At any moment I could lose any of them, and this situation reminds me of that in a good way! I am so grateful for the present. The present is pretty awesome and the past was even more great than I realized. I am hopeful, nervous, excited, and scared about the near future all at the same time, but I have put my faith in God from the beginning of this. With every twist, turn, and "ironic" unfolding of events in our life I am just grateful for the present - and I know more than anyone lately that all you can really rely on is the present, because your future can change dramatically in an instant!
That being said, not only am I so in love with them, I am so excited about the thought of pink pink pink :) I am excited for all that girlyness because I am in fact a girly girl! I love crafts, make up, clothing, cooking, baking, girly shows and movies, and such and now I have 2 more daughters to share these things with. My best friend from way back in the day coincidentally is 18 weeks pregnant just like me (and you know we weren't planning this because we weren't trying), and she just found out she is having a girl so I am excited to raise our girls together. When I had been shopping for a little girl outfit for her last week, I was feeling a little sad that I would never have a girl to dress up in teeny tiny frilly things again. Just this morning I was looking at my Abigail's tiny painted toenails and thinking how I love having girls! Yesterday I made zucchini bread with Emma and Abigail and smiled to myself knowing I have baking buddies for life...now I will have 2 more! Me gaining baking buddies and more girls to dress up means James being even more outnumbered. It means the perfect balance of boys to girls is gone, but this is the perfect family God has chosen for us - 5 girls, one dad :) This is what makes me sad for him, but I know that he is an amazing daddy to little girls! I just wished for him to be able to have sons for life and thinking he got that and then having it taken away is a bit of an adjustment.
In less than 6 weeks I will be wheeling my overstuffed suitcase into the hospital and checking in for my 8 weeks of bedrest and monitoring. There is both relief in this and utter sadness for me in this. Relief, because I will know that my unborn babies are under strict surveillance. Their heartrates and the bloodflow through their tangled cords will be monitored so that if there is any problem they will have the best possible chance of getting out as soon as possible. For now, being out of the hospital, it is in the back of my mind that at any minute with the wrong movement in there, the cords which are tangled could compress and the babies could die. Whenever I don't feel movement I tell myself they are fine because I have chosen faith and positivity, but know it is a real possibility that they are not ok. In that aspect, being in the hospital will be comforting. That is about where the comfort will end however. I could care less about my own comfort. I do not worry at all about being bored or lonely. What I worry about is that the babies inside of me make it to their 32 week delivery safe, sound, and healthy, and for my two daughters who I have to leave behind for 2 months. I feel like especially in my one year old I will miss so much "new stuff" she says and does. She is such a mommy's baby, and she is too little to explain this all to and it will be so hard on her having to be away from me so much. Emma is going to miss me, but she is excited about sleeping at mommom's house and other places. She knows babies are coming and that is why I am going in the hospital. I can communicate with her and make her feel secure that I am coming back.
It's funny what it takes sometimes to make you truly, humbly appreciate things. This situation and knowing I will be away from my family for 2 months, makes me that much more appreciate RIGHT NOW and not sweat the small stuff. Appreciate every morning when my girls run into my bedroom to wake me up with giant smiles and a loud, "MOMMYYYY!" (although this is not as appreciated at 5:30 am as it is at 8am). Appreciate every kiss I get, every snuggle and hand hold. Appreciate each new word Abby says that I get to witness, and each creative drawing Emma makes just for me. Appreciate each family dinner, sitting next to my husband on our couch watching TV at night, and snuggling in bed on his mornings off. Appreciate evening walks, tucking in sweeties in jammies, and cooking in my kitchen. The other night after Abby was in bed and James fell asleep in the living room, Emma and I walked hand in hand around the block in our jammies in the dark and talked. Today at the playground she was her social friendly little self and walked up to two older girls and said, "Hi I'm Emma can I play with you? Would you like to play with one of the ponies I brought or share my basketball?" The other day she learned to ride her bike. I will miss these moments that are so easily taken for granted. Saying prayers with Abby last night, I thanked Jesus for her and Emma, for daddy, for a cozy bed, etc...and she, with her little eyes squeezed closed, piped in: "bugs! moon! blankie!" (those are what she is thankful for in that moment). It's only two months I will be away from them, but these are moments I am cherishing now because I know that for two months I won't have them every day. When I bring the babies home, in the busyness and newness of it all I might miss some things just because I will be splitting my time between 4 instead of 2. THE PRESENT IS A PRESENT. I've heard it before and liked it a lot, but it rings so so true right now!
I presently have an amazing and hardworking husband, incredible daughters, and two more miracle baby girls on the way - and right now those baby girls are healthy and growing well. At any moment I could lose any of them, and this situation reminds me of that in a good way! I am so grateful for the present. The present is pretty awesome and the past was even more great than I realized. I am hopeful, nervous, excited, and scared about the near future all at the same time, but I have put my faith in God from the beginning of this. With every twist, turn, and "ironic" unfolding of events in our life I am just grateful for the present - and I know more than anyone lately that all you can really rely on is the present, because your future can change dramatically in an instant!
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