Halfway to the Finish Line!!!

I am 28 weeks today, yippeee! That's right, 7 months and my belly is a big'n folks! The waddling has begun! The "oh my goodness you've gotten big's" have begun! The "if I dropped something I might not be able to pick it up", has begun! I have been in the hospital one month, and if we can keep these babies in that means I am halfway done and just have one more month until delivery day! This first month flew by so fast! I can't believe I just do that again and then I will have 2 tiny miracle babies! Identical momo girls who made it! When I was admitted, the doctors told me that day, 24 weeks, was the first milestone because it meant the babies were viable. The next milestone they said, was reaching 28 weeks, and here we are so that is really exciting! 28 weeks is huge because if my babies are born anytime after now, they have a great chance for survival. The next and final goal is 32 weeks when the babies have a 99% chance of survival as preemies! This doesn't mean that they may not have disabilities of some kind, all preemies have these risks, but many 32 weekers live a completely normal life and that is exciting. I will get another round of steroid shots over the next 24 hours, and then a final round just before delivery at 32 weeks. If everything looks perfect from now until then they might consider letting me go a few more days but that is something that my doctors and perinatologists are in discussion over, the great debate! 34 weeks is the maximum any doctor will let a momo pregnancy go but most deliver before then because the morality rate rises each day beyond 32 weeks. However, 34 weekers have a lot less preemie risks than 32 weekers and need less help breathing. My doctor described it as a game of tug of war. At 24 -28 weeks you have wimpy preschoolers playing tug of war with the knotted cords. At 30-32 you now have college football players playing tug of war. Over the next few weeks the babies are getting bigger and stronger than ever in there and it becomes more and more risky the longer they are in there. At least getting them out means that there is more that can be controlled even if they are preemies. At least they are alive. I am choosing to trust God and my doctors on this decision because when I think about it I get overwhelmed with the decision. If we kept them in until 34 and they died everyone would wish we had gotten them out sooner. If we take them at 32 weeks and one struggles or has a complication as a preemie that is long lasting or deadly, we'd wonder if we should have kept them in longer. Like my doctor said, a momo pregnancy is all gray zone and you just have to make a decision.

As we get closer I get more emotional! Emotional as far as super excited, knowing that I love them already but once I lay eyes on them and touch and hold them I will fall hard and fast in deep baby love! I dream of that moment and can't believe it will be real very soon! Also emotional knowing we got to this point, they are still alive and my other kids are doing well all things considered too. And, emotional feeling some anxiety: about the C Section - mostly the recovery, the real potential of having an emergency C Section at any minute and not having anyone by my side especially my husband, having preemies and the challenges that could present, balancing life at home with my older girls and life in the NICU with the babies, and then adjustment once we bring the babies home with four kids under 5. But I am also excited to experience all these things as well. When I walk around the antipartum floor, there are often women down here who just had their babies and I hear the little baby crying in the room with them, and two days later they are gone, home with their new baby. I think that they don't realize how lucky they are! But I also think how blessed and grateful I am that I got to experience that normal birth story myself twice before. I think of my momo friends online who lost their babies and am grateful to just be walking around with mine doing so well.

Yesterday was a day of some good news and some bad news. During my morning monitoring session it was discovered that one of the babies has a heart arrythmia. This is an offbeat and sometimes is a sign of a greater problem and sometimes not. There is nothing they can or will do about it while I am pregnant, but once the baby is born they will get on top of it and decide what if anything needs to be done. It is not a huge concern at the time and is actually something that single babies can have as well. Occasionally it resolves itself on its own. That's what I am praying for! During my evening monitoring session however, I got some good news! The babies were not cooperating during the monitoring, they were moving all over and between that and my placenta laying in front of them the nurses just could not find the babies' heartbeats and keep them on the monitor (this happens more often than not with my little movers and shakers!) so they called for an ultrasound to come up and find where the babies were laying. They change positions a lot, for example on Friday they were stacked on top of each other laying sideways. Last night they were both head down and feet up. Anyway, the Dr. did a biophysical profile on the babies and it showed not only that everything looked good and there is plenty of amniotoc fluid around them, but it showed they are practicing breathing movements and at 28 weeks this is a great sign! They are strengthening their breathing muscles and respiratory system. Usually this doesn't happen until a little later but it is a sign of maturity and means a whole lot since we know they will be preemies. Babies do not actually breathe in the womb, they get oxygen through the placenta/umbilical cord (which in a mono mono pregnancy like this if the cords compress then the baby can't get oxygen) and when they are first born is when they take an actual first breath. But they do practice these breathing movements and you can see their chests and ribcages heave up and down, and that is what we saw. I was so excited!!!! Good news is always welcome but especially in this situation! Also my insulin has to keep being increased every few days which also is a sign the babies are growing and growing! I'm gonna go ahead and chalk my 10 pound weight gain over the last 2 weeks to the babies growing too haha!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" Psalm 139:13-14

Last Saturday, Baby A's heart rate was accelerated to almost 220 for 14 minutes. The normal heartrate for them is between 130 and 160! Were the cords compressed and that baby was in distress from lack of oxygen? Was the cord around her neck? Something else? We didn't know! All of a sudden there were 3 nurses in my room, ready to hook up an IV, and I was whisked down to labor and delivery where I was on a continuous monitor from lunch time to about 9pm. Everything looked fine throughout that time and luckily I got to come back up to my hospital room, home sweet away from home, and ever since there have only been small variables. I was lucky that I had a dear friend here with me which helped me not to panic during the whole tizzy of events, and she sat with me, brought me magazines to keep me busy throughout the time I was just in bed. God puts people in your path at just the right time sometimes! If the baby's heart rate hadn't gone down it might have meant an immediate emergency C Section and I would have been SO glad to have a friend there or I would have gone through it alone!!! That day was scary, but it was a wake up call for sure. It first of all was a reminder that THAT is why I am here! First of all to detect a baby in distress, and second of all if a baby needs to come out stat, I will go from chilling in my room to being in delivery within minutes to get my babies out safely. It was kind of like, "wow, it can happen that fast!!!" I am grateful they are still cookin'! I am also grateful I am not on a continuous monitor or total bedrest because after just 10 hours my back and behind were sure sore! The nurse told me that in my situation this is exactly how "it" might happen though...a red flag during a monitoring session and then minutes later I am in the delivery room having a C-section - no husband or anything. I am hoping that we make it to our scheduled day for the babies health but also so my husband can be there for the birth of our girls!

This last week was a week full of special events that being in the hospital kind of threw a wrench into or I could not attend and missed, but in the grand scheme of things is no big deal... Abigail turned 2 on the 11th, I had my birthday on the 16th, Emma turns 5 tomorrow, Emma had her first day of preschool, my cousin got married, and I missed the baby shower for my fellow best preggy who happens to be just a week ahead of me and is having a baby girl as well!

 I was really sad to miss the shower, the wedding, and to see Emma off to school. But we've made the best of the birthdays, celebrating in here, and I think it was memories in the making. Special people made my birthday special and it was a great day that I will always remember! I feel blessed to even be here to celebrate my girls' birthdays and I would rather be in here for all of those events and be out for trick or treating, Thanksgiving, and Christmas so I can't complain! Since Emma was in preschool before I wasn't as sad since I got to experience her first day of preschool before. I think it is cool her daddy got to do it this time around instead of being at work. And once again, I feel spoiled by the love and support and encouragement from so many!

For one of my birthday gifts, my mom gave me a frame with four openings and in each opening is each of my daughter's names and the meaning of the name with a verse. Looking at the names I've given my daughters - life from within me and made from the love of my husband and myself: Emma, Abigail, Ava, and Aubrey and thinking how blessed I am to have been given each child.

  "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them".

Psalms 127: 3-5

 

This quiver is complete! And I think about how all my life all I wanted to be was a wife and mother. I have an art teaching degree but I always knew I wanted to raise my children first. In my mind's eye, my adolescent and young adult dreams, I thought I knew exactly how it would go and that I would plan it just so. I never expected that my first pregnancy joys would be dashed by a miscarriage. I never planned on or thought I would have 4 children. I never expected to have a complicated pregnancy, be in the hospital like this, or have twins so rare they happen in only 1% of identical twin pregnancy. Last year at this time I didn't even plan to be pregnant this year at this time. Out of the last 5 Septembers, I have spent 3 right here in this very hospital for the birth of my 4 girls! My plans weren't the plans God had for me but isn't it cool to see what His plans are as they reveal themselves over time? To know that HE knows better than I know. To know I have been blessed with a quiver that I never thought I'd have?

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11





Not Much to Report, Let's Keep it That Way!

"What is your favorite thing in the whooooole world?" My almost 5 year old Emma asks my Dr. and each nurse when she comes into the hospital to visit me. When they tell her replies such as flowers, family, chocolate, a pet...Emma says, "Ok! Then I will draw you a picture of it and bring it back next time!" When she comes in each time to visit, and I swear she prances in here more beautiful than the last time I saw her, she brings me intricate drawings she has worked on for me while we are apart. Drawings of girls playing instruments like violins and tubas and flutes with musical notes, dressed up rabbits, happy pumpkins. She draws pictures of her and I hugging on the white board in my room. These things, in addition to some other things, are sweet reminders that she is still happy and still thinking of me, and understands that I am being taken care of by the nurses and doctors.

While Abigail still screams and cries for me down the hallways when we have to say goodbye, my tears are less over it and she is also showing signs of adjustment that make me feel more peace. She is becoming closer to her daddy, and recovers from her detachment of me quicker than at first. She talks to me on the phone more (she is talking more in general these last few weeks!). "Hi mom! I pwaying bocks! I make tower! I knock tower ober!" I feel like as she approaches her second birthday next week she is becoming more "kid" and less baby, but I am going to enjoy her as my baby while she still holds the baby spot! I'm sure once I hold my preemies Abby will feel like a giant and not a baby anymore! We have tried Skyping and while I was afraid that her seeing my face on the computer screen would be frustrating for her and make her upset, she actually loved it! We make silly faces at each other and she can point to mommy's nose, eyes, hair etc...just like she likes to do at home. I am now not allowed to lift or carry her, which she is not going to like, but at least I can hold her in my bed.

One of the things I am learning in here is that I can not always have control over everything, and even if things go differently than I would like, the world goes on just fine. I admit, I tend to boss my husband around and like to run the show my way. I fear change and I like my schedule to stay the way I like it. Interruptions give me anxiety! That goes for my children, my daily agenda, when my meals will come, how long I will be on the monitor, when appointments will be made for me, etc...I literally have no control! I admit I thought I would come in here and read a book front to back every few days, take long naps, learn a new hobby or two, watch all kinds of TV shows, and enjoy tasty desserts with every meal. With the monitoring, nurses coming in and out, phone calls and visitors my days fly by and I have only read about 5 pages of just one of the books I brought! A friend came in to teach me to crochet and I am failing miserably right now haha! You would never know I am an Art Teacher by degree if you looked at my sad single row of crochet knots! Hopefully I will figure it out so I can make some cute baby things! But a few days ago I had the epiphany that I don't need to feel pressured to read books while I can, or learn a new hobby while I can, or really do anything at all. This is the only time I can just have kid-less visits with friends and family where we can talk without interruption and I don't feel the need to clean the house before hand! There is no reason I should make myself feel guilty for literally accomplishing and doing NOTHING. Because when in my life will I ever again be confined to a room and have to do nothing?! There is no pressure and no responsibility on me and I can be a bump on a log while I have the chance!

Another thing I am learning is that so many of the people in my life who I knew were great people are even more amazing than I knew! My counter is chock full of flowers, decorations, cards galore, gifts and package goodies from close friends, family, friends from the past, aquaintaces, and even strangers who have heard about us and chose to take the time to encourage and pray for us, or send some cheer! Through these acts of love, through kind and supportive emails, visits, phone calls, and prayers, I am humbled and inspired by the kindness poured out upon us and me! I almost feel unworthy because I am not sick or dying, but it is cool how a sometimes trying time as this, which can bring fears and unknowns and new challenges, brings to light all the awesome blessings and people that surround me. I hope that I can be such an encouragment to others as they have been to me! I believe God has so many purposes through this situation and it is clear that one of them is to show me that I am more loved and not alone than I ever imagined! Thank you everyone! So many people keep saying my blog or my attitude are inspiring but it is actually these people who are in fact inspiring me with the time they have taken to uplift little old me!!! My husband actually has become quite the domestic, and has been doing adorable things such as taking the girls to the craft store to buy craft projects, buying Hello Kitty party items on his own (he took a picture of a Hello Kitty Microwave and admitted he kind of wants it haha!), and bringing me fall decorations for my room :) I've said I think I am becoming spoiled and didn't do anything to deserve it!!

Regarding the babies, they are doing well! I had my ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine today to check their growth (to check for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome) and cord blood flow. The babies are 2 pounds! This is a HUGE milestone and I am so happy! Although there are definite cord twist/knot areas, the cord blood flow looks great for now. They are busy little jumping beans and give these nurses a run for their money during monitoring sessions! I stare at my favorite ultrasound picture of them just in amazement that they exist and move and breathe inside of me, and dream of what their little faces will look like. I can't wait to share with them one day what miracles they are. I look forward to getting past the uncertainty of this pregnancy, delivery, and fragile NICU time, to when they will be safely here, growing, and healthy. I look forward to life becoming "normal" and settling into a routine. I look forward to getting to know each of them, despite the fact that they are identical, to love each of their own personalities. I look forward to them becoming part of the family and not just imaginary babies to Emma and Abigail. It is also exciting to know that Ava and Aubrey will complete our family, this is it, this is "us"! There will be no more babies after this, and to anticipate welcoming the final tiny members excites me. Through the craziness of having four kids under 5, I hope that I can savor those baby moments that I will never experience again. The pregnancy chapter of my life is closing forever and I am so grateful that it is something I was able to experience. That said, I am very fine with not being pregnant again!!

I've had bronchitis or something for the past week, and it has me up coughing all night and makes monitoring sessions more difficult. I can't wait to be over it, and it terrifies me to think I could have a bad cough while recovering from major abdominal surgery. Thanks to the coughing fits and lack of sleep, headaches are a constant and my lower stomach and back are not feeling too great! It worries me that I could pass something to preemies who can't breathe on their own and already have respiratory distress. I am just praying it goes away soon and it is another reason I just want the babies to stay in there until 32 weeks!!! Two weeks are down though, six to go, and each week gives the babies more strength and gives everyone more hope. I am a member of a few mono mono mom groups on facebook and it is encouraging to see all the stories with great outcomes, and pictures of beautifully healthy (and adorable) Momo twins. Occasionally someone posts that they have lost their babies and it makes me even more grateful to be feeling mine moving around with vigor! Two Momo mommies lost their babies this week on one of the groups I am in, and it is a reality check that the risks are real and I am blessed to feel my babies full of life inside of me! Just five and a half more weeks if I am lucky enough to make it that long without an emergent C Section. I feel like we are nearing the finish line! Thank you so much for your prayers!!!